


kiss it off me

by scandibaby



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abusive Parents, Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Ben is 22, Dark, Dry Humping, F/M, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Nipple Licking, Older Man/Younger Woman, POV First Person, Power Imbalance, Praise Kink, Recreational Drug Use, Rey is 17, Self-Esteem Issues, Size Kink, Stream of Consciousness, Underage Drinking, Vaginal Fingering, car make outs uwu, hence the underage, high school rey
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:00:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24773524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scandibaby/pseuds/scandibaby
Summary: Rey feels more lonely than usual when best friend Rose gets a boyfriend while she's destined to be a virgin forever.Well, at least she can stare at the cute guy who works in the convenience store.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 52
Kudos: 204





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i have no idea what i'm doing lol

”What are you doing after school today?” Finn asks me when he comes to walk Rose from class. I still find it kind of weird to hang around him but he’s my best friend’s boyfriend and he’s making an effort, so I should be nice.

”Um, I have work at 5:30. I was going to go study at the library until then.” I say and Rose perks up next to him.

“We need to study too!” Rose exclaims, like she hadn’t told me about their study date earlier today. “You want to join?” She asks looking up at him, beaming like the sun. God, she’s so in love with him.

“Yeah, sure! If you don’t mind?” He says and looks at me. Like I would mind? I thought it was their date? I’m greedy though, just like Unkar says, so I don’t refuse the offer.

Rose is a genius and helps me with math. Finn is also smart, which I’m a little ashamed to be surprised over. He’s an athlete so I assumed he’d be a brain-dead jock, but obviously we don’t live in a teen 80’s movie so he’s an actual person. They’ll both probably get into really good colleges.

I have okay grades, I even have some A’s in easier subjects like English and History, and decent ones in harder ones like Math, Physics and Chemistry – but no where near good enough for a scholarship. I’ll probably have to go to community college, but first I have to find a place to live after graduation. I’m still a little worried Unkar will kick me out in February when I turn 18. I should probably talk to him about that.

“Are you working this weekend too, Rey?” Finn asks me directly and that’s a little unsettling.

“Yeah, 10 to 6 both Saturday and Sunday.” I say with a frown as I begin to pack my stuff up to catch the bus from the library to work.

Work sucks, but all the places I’ve worked at have sucked and I do rake in more money than I can spend at the moment – despite the fact that Henry bumped down my hours to 15 a week. He said it’s because it’s off-season but I think it’s because he’s fucking Vanessa and she hates me. Whatever, he still calls me in for more than that anyways.

“My friend Simon is having a party on Saturday if you want to come? Rose is going.” He tells me like I didn’t already know that. Whatever, he’s just trying to be nice.

“Sure.” Not like I would say no to anything that minimizes my exposure to Unkar. I’ll just leave if it’s boring.

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow!” I wave bye to them and hurry out of the library. I’m cutting it a bit close.

I’m always cutting it a bit close.

+++

I stop by the 7-Eleven before heading home to the crappy apartment I share with Unkar. I smell like fried food and I just _know_ my face is all shiny with sweat but I don’t care. I had a shitty time at work and I want a goddamn brownie. I get an unsweetened ice-tea instead of a diet coke, I have to get up at six tomorrow after all. And do this all over.

Of course the hot guy is working tonight too, damn it. I’m half tempted to try to buy cigarettes – that’s how bad it was at work. He did let me buy a pack once when I was going to a party and didn’t even ask for ID. I don’t want the bother if he does ask for it this time, and I don’t think cigarettes will help my pounding headache either.

“A brownie too, please.” I say as I put the tea on the counter. He moves slowly over to the pastries and I decide to take out my ponytail as he takes his sweet time packing my brownie in a bag. I’m fixing my hair in the reflection of the window behind the counter when he speaks to me.

“Late night snack?” He says and I freeze with my fingers buried in my hairline.

“Huh?” I say like and idiot before my brain catches up and I drop my hand.

“Oh, yeah. Yeah. Something like that.” I get out finally. Again – like a total idiot.

He saunters over to the register and I wonder if I smell sweaty. I watch him chew his gum slowly as he taps in my purchase on a screen. I hand him the money without daring to look up at his eyes.

“Have a nice night.” He says and I do look up and probably turn red when I meet his deep-set brown eyes. God, I’m such a freak.

“You too.” I squeak and head out. No wonder I’m still a virgin.

+++

On Friday Rose makes me go watch Finn play and I realize with a gasp that playing for the opposing team is no other than Poe Dameron. I shrink in my seat and cover my face like he could _actually_ see me in he crowd on the bleachers, and like he would _actually_ care if he did.

“What is it?” Rose asks and I whisper his name in her ear.

I thought I didn’t care anymore but I’m having a physical reaction to seeing him. It’s not like he’s special though, I have the same reaction whenever I see someone I drunkenly made out with. I wonder why that is. Probably shame, which is weird and kind of sad. I know some people can have sex with no strings attached but I can’t even see someone I kissed without it triggering my fight-or-flight response. God, I’m so fucked up.

“I didn’t know he played football.” She says nonchalantly. “Do you guys still talk?”

“No!” I say in a disgusted tone.

I made out with Poe at a party last summer and then we talked on and off for two months before he showed up to my work with Jessika Pava. Three hours after asking if I wanted to “Netflix and chill” at his place. I said no because one - I had work, two - I’m scared to have sex and three - I don’t want to have sex with someone who isn’t in love with me because I’m messed up.

I had to serve them the whole time too as the other waitresses were slammed and it was _so_ bad. We didn’t talk after that but I did have a very intense, gut wrenching crush on him for about six months afterwards since my brain is broken.

So it kind of sucks seeing him again.

“He’s an asshole anyway.” Rose mutters with a smile and I smile back.

I’m glad she’s normal enough to have found someone. Maybe I can live vicariously through them and be a cool aunt or something to their kids.

Henry texts me halfway through the game asking if I can come in, and normally I would jump at any chance to make an extra buck. But after the absolute disaster yesterday he can go fuck himself. My phone dings again before I even have time to put it in my pocket.

_Henry (Boss): cld u come in 4 a few?_   
_Henry (Boss): hello?_

**_No. Sorry._ **

_Henry (Boss): Rey, please. I have ur paycheck i m y office_

I tell him I can come in after 6 and don’t check to see what is immediate response is. I just focus on having fun with Rose. Finn is taking her out to see a movie after the game anyway and it _would_ be stupid to say no to more hours.

We lose the game to Poe’s team but Finn grins like he just won the Superbowl when he sees Rose waiting for him. I awkwardly look down at my shoes as they share a kiss. I haven’t kissed anybody, in like, four months. Maybe I’ll never kiss anyone again.

“Have fun, text me how it was later!” I say as I hug her goodbye. They’re going to watch some dull action movie I wrinkled my nose at when Rose told me about it and called me a film snob. Yeah, well maybe I am.

I get to work and almost walk out again when Henry says I can go home at 8, but he grabs me before I’m out the door and begrudgingly agrees to let me stay until closing. I change into my uniform and am noticeably more chipper than Vanessa who is all but yelling at the guests.

Two old men even compliment me on how calm and nice I am while complaining about Vanessa, which only widens the grin I mechanically carry until closing. I count my well-earned tips in the locker room where Vanessa throws me dirty looks but for once she’s speechless. Henry hands me my late paycheck on the way out. “See you tomorrow!” I shout in a sing-songy voice as the door rattles close behind me. Assholes.

I decide on the bus home I'll reward myself with a Ben & Jerry’s Half-baked.

“Best of both worlds.” Rose used to say during our sleepovers. We don’t have them anymore, but we’re also 17 now. Everything isn’t Finn’s fault.

I’m in such a good mood actually, I say hi to the hot guy at the counter when I enter the store.

“Hey.” He rumbles back in his deep voice as I skip over to the ice cream selection. I’m not quite as sweaty this time and once I pick out my ice cream I smile at him over the shoulder of the two stoners trying to pay ahead of me. He raises his eyebrows and widens his eyes as they fumble with the Doritos and Mountain Dew before I back up to let them pass.

“Man, we should have gotten ice cream.” One of them says looking at me and stumbles out of the store. I laugh and the guy behind the counter shakes his head so his long black hair falls over his face as he does the same.

“Got quite the sweet tooth, huh?” He says as he scans my ice cream with a beep.

“Oh yeah, my dentist hates me.” I respond quickly with a laugh even though it’s a lame response. I’m still stuck on costumer-service talk but he smiles faintly as he starts to bag up my ice cream.

“You live around here?” He says over the crinkling of plastic.

“Yeah, up on Cedar.” I say before I have time to think why I’m telling a strange man my address.

What’s he going to do? Rob us of Unkar’s empty beer bottles?

“Cool.” He says as he goes to slide me the bag over the counter, but pulls it back closer to him instead.

”What’s your name?” he says and looks at me, but different this time. Like I'm not invisible or something. My brain computes the question astonishingly quickly, probably because I’m still wound up from work and seeing Poe.

I answer him in an almost even tone. “Rey. What’s yours?” comes out before I can process it.

“Ben.” He grins and gestures to his name tag. God, how dumb am I?!

“Oh! Right!” I nervously laugh out and shake my head as the bag is handed to me. I turn to get the fuck out of the place I just _humiliated_ myself in- and in front of the _only_ cute guy that works here too! I can never return. I’ll have to go in exile from the only 7-Eleven on the block and –

“Have a nice night, Rey.” He calls as the doors slide open and I snap my head to find his hooded eyes looking back at me in _that_ way.

“Y-you, too.” I say and hurry off.


	2. Chapter 2

Unkar surprisingly wakes up when I’m about to leave for work. He wobbles into the hallway in nothing but threadbare underwear and I wish I were blind.

“Where ya goin’?” He barks as he rubs his eyes with swollen fingers.

“I’m staying over at Rose’s tonight, I’ll be back tomorrow evening.” I busy myself with zipping and re-zipping my overnight bag hoping he’ll go away.

“I thought you had work.” He grunts and walks over to the kitchen and opens the fridge.

“I do, I’m going there now.” I frown in disgust as he drinks straight from the milk carton. Ew.

“Don’t be doin’ nothin’ stupid now.” He starts and I roll my eyes as I slip into my sneakers.

“No drinkin’, no druggin’ and don’t go brining home no babies.” He always says the same shit - which is rich because he drinks everyday and he’s seen me hung-over more than once.

I mumble something in response and get out the dump before he tries to say anything else.

Work is slow the first two hours and then picks up around lunch before going dead at around four. I wipe down and re-set all the tables for the evening guests. There’s a rush of drop-in guests (like always on the weekends) and we’re quickly swamped because (like always) we’re understaffed.

Henry asks me to stay an hour longer and since we’re not going to the party until later I text Rose to see if it’s okay. She responds immediately, which I didn’t expect since she’s been _very_ slow at replying lately. Especially when it isn’t about something that’ll give her an extra hour with Finn. Whatever.

Jeremy comes in at 7 and I can leave in good conscience.

I’m not surprised to find Finn’s shirt is on inside out and I leave them to do god-knows-what as I shower in Rose’s ensuite. I bought the same shampoo and conditioner she has but I have to hide it from Unkar because his stupid-ass uses it if I don’t. It’s expensive, but my hair is so shiny and silky now. And you know what? I deserve it.

I dry off and blow-dry my long brown hair. I should cut it soon. It reaches down to my mid-back and it’s getting heavy in when I wear it up for a full workday.

I change into the outfit Rose helped me pick last night, high waisted black jeans and the white top I got recently. I feel bad for spending money on clothes but I work too hard to look like a hobo. I dig up my portable jewelry box (a zip lock bag) and put on my big hoops and the necklace mom gave me before I tote my bag down to the basement.

“Rey, look at you!” Rose’s mom appears from the kitchen as I’m walking down their enormous stairs. I blush while accepting her hug and even more compliments. She brushes back my hair in a motherly gesture that tugs at my heart.

“Are you still on Cedar Street with that Mr. Plutt?” She asks with thinly veiled concern in her voice. Rose usually saves me from awkward questions like this but she’s nowhere to be seen now. Probably tonguing her boyfriend while her mom pities me. Fun.

“Yeah, but I’m at work a lot.” I say even though it has nothing to do with what she asked. “You should come in sometime, we have a really nice grill platter!” I finish excitedly and Mrs. Tico agrees while I make an excuse to retract into the basement.

I knock before I go in and find Rose and Finn’s flushed faces staring at me when I slowly crack the door open.

“You didn’t need to knock.” Rose murmurs and I set down my heavy bag with thud.

“You never know these days.” I huff and try not to sound annoyed. “Are we going to do our make up or what?” I ask and patter into the basement bathroom with my make up bag.

Make up is also something I’ve been spending more money on lately. I get more tips if I wear it so I kind of need to, and most of it is drugstore - but I’ve managed to build up a collection that’s bigger than Rose’s now. She can always borrow from her mom or sister though.

“You’re pretty without make up.” Good guy Finn whispers as he presses a kiss to the back of Rose’s neck when they join me in the bathroom. I have to suppress a snort. Finn brings the speaker into the bathroom and cracks open two beers for us as we get to it.

+++

An hour later we’ve finished out make up and they’re laughing at something I said when Rose and Finn suddenly shoot up from the couch. I go to follow but my legs are wobbly and I blindly search for my handbag as Rose cleans up the beer cans.

Ouff. Maybe I should have stuck to that one beer. Walking around helps and I put on a sweet smile and don’t say anything as we say bye to Rose’s parents. We hike up the hill to this Simon, who happens to live in the same neighborhood as Rose.

There’s not that many people when we get there and they all seem to know Finn pretty well. They’re sweet to Rose and ask her a lot of questions, and even ask me some too.

I nurse a beer for about an hour while I try not to be awkward and embarrass Rose in front of her boyfriend’s friends but it’s a pretty stiff crowd. I try to talk to the two other girls there but they just look at me funny when I ry to start up a conversation. Okay, damn.

I reach for another beer but Rose shakes her head and I get up to grab water. Simon and another boy catch me in the apparently unspeakable act and decide to make fun of me for it. They do apologize via offering me free range of their booze.

“Thanks, I might take you up on that offer.” I say and try to sound cool and unbothered as I go back out and join Rose for a while. A group of girls congregate around her and they interrogate her on her relationship with Finn. I quietly sip my water as more people start to fill the house and bad EDM pumps out of the speakers.

I forgot how boring parties are. I could be in bed watching a good movie right now.

I hang around and try to amuse myself as Rose and Finn sneak upstairs for a good half hour. I manage to get a spot on the overfilled couch and get two nerds to explain Magic the Gathering to me.

“Huh? Is it a card game or a fantasy game?” They roll their eyes at me like _I’m_ the weird one.

A ruckus in the hallway draws my attention and I crane my neck to see who’s causing all the commotion.

“Simon, my man!” Poe _fucking_ Dameron says walking into the room with arms thrown up, waiting for a hard embrace from the host. Jessika trails in behind him and then inserts herself under his arm. I guess it worked out for those two. My stomach twists in a knot.

While everyone else is fawning over Poe like he’s some rock star or whatever I slip out to the porch and force myself into the group that’s gathered out there.

“You want some?” They’re passing a joint around and I usually don’t like mixing but fuck it. I’m basically sober at this point anyway. I stay out there for a while, long enough for whomever I’m intruding on to build a new jay and I take a few hits off that too.

I look over my shoulder into the living room and Rose is back, talking to Jessika with a big smile on her face while Finn is engrossed in a conversation with Poe. Traitors. Rose waves at me to come in but I ignore her.

I sit out there until the cold night air seeps down to my bones and the small buzz from the handful of hits is long gone.

“Rey? We’re leaving.” Rose says with a slight slur to her words and I follow her back inside.

On the way back to Rose’s house Finn is goofing around and chasing Rosed and I think about how sad it is that the closest thing to a relationship I’ve ever had (and probably ever will have) was Poe two-timing me with Jessika. And we never even met up, he just tried to get me to send nudes after we hooked up once at a party. 

I watch as Finn catches Rose and throws her over his shoulder, both of them laughing hysterically.

God, I’m lonely.

+++

After a long Sunday at work I’m welcomed back to our dilapidated apartment with a tower of dishes and trash everywhere.

Sighing I get straight to it, hoping Unkar stays out for the night. I can’t stand the sight of him these days, I want to break a chair over his head every time he opens his mouth. Can you blame me though? He treats me like a slave and would steal all my money if I didn’t hide it in the locked suitcase in my closet.

I vacuum the kitchen, living room, hallway and my room after picking up all the trash he’s left around. He can clean his own damn room. I should scrub the bathroom too but I do the dishes and make dinner and call it a day. I _just_ close my bedroom door when I hear him stumble in and knock shit over in the kitchen.

God, can he act like a normal person?

I drown out the crashing and swearing with angry music as I try to catch up on homework. I stain my math book with tears.

  
+++

  
“Are you sick or something?” Finn asks when he sees me Monday morning.

I groan and slam my locker shut as Rose chastises him quietly. I forgot to turn on my 6 AM alarm last night and woke up twenty-five minutes before school started so I didn’t have time to do make up. I only wear mascara and concealer to school but apparently it does a lot for me.

“See you later.” I say and head off alone to Biology. I don’t want to watch them suck face without food in my system. I slept like shit too. I’m getting that anxiety thing again where my brain won’t turn off and I worry and worry and worry even though the rest of my body screams for sleep.

At least I don’t cry myself to sleep anymore.

The day floats by but I can’t shake that hollow feeling from my chest. Everything is uncomfortable. My butt goes numb in Bio because I'm so boney. I can’t focus in Chem and embarrass myself when Mr. Glover asks me a question I guess the wrong answer to.

Then we have P.E. and, well, I always embarrass myself there. At lunch I don’t speak and Rose doesn’t even notice, she too busy laughing at what Finn’s friends are saying.

Math is extra nightmarish today and I almost cry because I have no clue what Mrs. McConnor is saying even though I’m all caught up. History with Mr. Lundberg is better, but that’s just because he’s my favorite. We wrap up the day with Physics – which honestly should be illegal, and I get 5 out of 11 on the pop quiz.

God, I’m worthless.

Home isn’t much better. I clean the toilet because no one will if I don’t and gag the whole time. Not because our toilet is that _dirty_ (I would know since I keep it clean), but even the _idea_ of it is gag-worthy for me even with gloves I stole from work.

I make pasta with pesto for dinner because that’s all we have at home and I don’t feel like shopping even though I stopped by the bank before to deposit my paycheck and the majority of my tips.

I get bored of the Youtube video I'm watching as I eat of a rich girl showing off the mountain of clothes she got for free and open instagram.

Jessika Pava’s infuriatingly beautiful face stares back at me. Just to put salt in the wound I open her profile and try to see what she has that I don’t. I consider clicking on Poe’s but I dump my phone on the table in disgust. She’s not broken, for starters. And she’s also not fucking ugly, like I am.

I shovel more pasta in my face and ignore Rose’s message asking if I’m okay for a little longer.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're getting somewhere!!
> 
> edit: fix some spelling error whew i need to stop posting at night

I avoid Unkar as much as I humanly can. On Wednesday when he comes home drunk off his ass at 5:30 I’m in the middle of doing laundry so I can’t exactly hide in my room.

I try to quietly move out the first load, move the second one to the dryer and a third into the washer. One more load of bedding then I’m done.

He’s making a mess in the kitchen while swearing to himself and almost misses me when he starts looking for something out in the hall.

“Where- where’s that sonuvabitch…Rey!” He shouts as he sees me. “Have you- have you seen my…my whatchamacallit?” he slurs as he lumbers down the hall toward me. He hiccups and stumbles into the wall as he comes to a stop.

“No I haven’t.” I snap and don’t deign to look at him. I scoop up the clean laundry in my arms because we don’t have a laundry basket and go to move past him. Quicker than I thought he could move even in sober condition, he grabs my upper arm to halt me.

“Let go.” I grit behind closed teeth and he staggers, pushing me into the wall because he refuses to do as I say. It’s not on purpose but it still hurts.

“Hey, your face got- got all better.” I glare at him and try to twist free as he ignores me and scans my face. “No more bumps and spots and gross shit like that.” My nostrils flare and I feel the blood in my veins begin to boil. I hope he chokes on his vomit while he sleeps and dies.

“I’m doing laundry.” I remind him. “Let me go.” I repeat and he blinks a few times before releasing his death grip and stumbles after me into my room. The rage is quickly replaced with angst. I hate it when he’s in my room and he’s unpredictable when he’s drunk. He’s never _done_ anything but…I don’t want him in my room.

“And don’t-“ He yells but interrupts himself to belch. “quit doin’ so much laundry! You’re runnin’ up my electricity!”

“Okay I won’t. There’s dinner in the fridge.” I say to try to get him out. I can’t tell him to outright _leave_ because then he’ll start screaming at the top of his lungs about how this is his house and nothing here is mine and I’m just a worthless little shit nobody wants.

  
“My fuckin’…fuckin’ electricity bill high as shit…fuckin’ _laundry_.” He mumbles before he sways out of my room and leaves me alone. I close my door and only leave to get the laundry that I fold and put away in my room. I was going to do his too, to be nice – but fuck that.

I try to do my homework but my heart won’t stop hammering against my ribcage and I can’t sit still. The dryer finishes and I make my barren twin bed with warm sheets and covers. I try to settle in bed with a nice movie but Unkar has the TV on highest volume and I can’t focus enough to read the subtitles.

I throw my dingy laptop close as I bounce my leg. I want a cigarette.

I throw my jeans back on but don’t bother with the bra. I brush my hair and my make up looks okay in my phone cam. Do I look 18? I can’t tell. I just pray Ben is working tonight and he won’t card me. Even though he was kind of weird last time.

Whatever.

“I’m going out!” I yell when the front door creaks open and I hear Unkar making some kind of loud displeased grunt before I slam it shut.

I take the long way around the block to 7-Eleven so I can look in the window from the side of the counter, so whoever’s working the register can’t seeing me. When I come to the alley just beside the window I slow down and stop to lean forward to peek in. There’s not a lot of people out so—

“What are you doing?” A deep voice says behind me and I jump. Not only do I jump, I _scream_. I whip around to find hot guy Ben staring at me from further down the alley.

“Fuck, you scared me!” I yell out and clutch my rapidly beating heart over my jacket. “What are you doing back there?” I continue almost mad. Mostly embarrassed.

He lifts his right hand, a tiny cherry red circle glowing in the dark. “I’m on break.”

“Hey,” I say as the anger and fear fades instantly. “can I bum one?”

He takes a long drag and exhales before he answers in a thick voice. “Sure.”

I practically hop over to him as he shakes out a long cigarette for me. I can smoke a whole one now without getting nauseous from the nicotine so hopefully I won’t look stupid.

He holds it out for me between his thumb and pointer finger and I place it between my lips and hold my other hand open for him to pass me the lighter. Instead he takes a step forward and his face is suddenly mere inches from mine as his eyes focus on my lips. The click and glow from the lighter makes my brain piece together what is happening. I though he was going to kiss for a second.

Yeah, right. _As if._

“Thanks.” I say after a deep inhale. He takes a step back and leans on a big crate next to what I assume is the back door to the store.

“No worries.” He pauses and I don’t know what to say. I take another drag as he casually studies my every move. Um…

“You smoke a lot?” He asks after what seems like forever.

“Only at parties, really.” I say and look out toward the big street as a car drives by. It’s hard keeping eye contact with attractive people.

And he is, _obviously_ – being 6”3 and built like a NFL-player. I bet Rose would call him fugly because of his big nose and crooked features though, but I think that’s what makes him cute.

“That’s how everyone starts, isn’t it?” He says with a toothy smile. His canines are really pronounced. Makes him look…wolfish. Kind of dangerous. Kind of hot.

“I guess.” I say but I know I won’t _actually_ start smoking. It’s a waste of money and it’s bad for you. I only smoke when I’m drunk or I’m upset and I have some laying around.

The nicotine hits me all of a sudden and I don’t want to keel over so I go to lean on the crate beside him.

“Do you smoke a lot?” I ask for lack of a better question. He stares straight ahead as a puff of smoke escapes his lips. Big, soft lips, I note.

“I mean you get more breaks if you smoke.” He says and shrugs. That’s very true. Something Vanessa takes advantage of.

“Do you like working here?” I ask him as if I were his _mother_. I must be the most boring person on this planet.

“Fuck no,” He laughs and that makes me smile. ”but it’s a job. Beats serving assholes at some shitty burger joint.” Oh shit. Now I can’t tell him I’m a waitress.

“You work evenings too, right? You always come in late around the same time.” Well, fuck. Now I _have_ to tell him I work in a restaurant and it’ll be awkward. I gulp at the prospect but also can’t help registering that he’s knows my schedule.

But that probably doesn’t mean anything. I’m just a regular after all.

“Yeah, I actually work part time at a restaurant.” I confess with what I hope is a causal smile. He makes a face as he puts out his cigarette, the edges of his mouth dropping downwards to expose his teeth and his jaw slightly protruding like that yikes-meme.

“Oh shit, sorry.” He chuckles.

“No worries. It _is_ a shit hole, but the guests aren’t that bad, or whatever.” I shrug and smile and act like I’m a cool, normal girl and not an awkward piece of shit.

“What do you guys serve?” He asks just to be nice I think, but he listens when I tell him and he smiles at a funny story about the chef accidentally setting fire to an ice cream packet with a blowtorch.

He tells me that he takes courses at the local college and that he’s 22 but started this fall because he was in the army before. That explains why he’s so _massive_.

The conversation is _just_ beginning to flow naturally between us when the door next to us flies open. I flinch like a baby because I am one but Ben doesn’t even look back at the door.

“Ben, what the fuck? My shift ended 15 minutes ago—“ The guy whines and Ben slowly gets up from his leaning stance to face what I guess is his colleague.

“Relax, I’m coming.” His baritone voice promises.

“Dude, this isn’t cool –“The guy starts but doesn’t get any further.

“ _I said,_ I’m coming.” Ben repeats in a tone that makes my stomach flips.

He’s literally just looking at the guy but I would _not_ want to be on the receiving end of those eyes. With a huff and a groan the door is shut and I almost flinch again when Ben turns his gaze to me.

“Here.” He says and juts his arm out toward me. “Give me your number.”

Smiling down at his screen, I do.  
  


+++

“Do you think my skin got better?” I ask Rose as I survey my reflection in the school bathroom.

“Uh, yeah. I tell you all the time! It got so much better.” Rose says as she washes her hands.

She’s right. I went with her when she got on birth control and after finding out it wasn’t that much I got on it too. Now I only get tiny spots if I forget to wash my face for like, three days in a row. Before I would wash it religiously and they just multiplied. I haven’t gotten any of the side effects either, _and_ I get to skip my period.

“But you were pretty before too.” Rose lies and I roll my eyes.  
  
“Hey, do you want to have a movie night this weekend? It’s been a long time since we had one and they put all the _Twilight_ movies on Netflix! We could have a _Twilight_ -marathon and get that sweet caramel popcorn.” I babble at her enthusiastically as I hold the door to the hallway open for her.  
  
“Or we could watch this one indie movie, but I know you hate them- ” I stop myself when I see that she’s avoiding eye contact and looks _incredibly_ uncomfortable.

“Actually…I was going to stay over at Finn’s this weekend.” Oh. I guess it’s just me again, since I’m total a loser and I only have one friend.

No wonder Ben never texted me.

“But we can do it next weekend probably, but mom’s birthday is on Saturday so maybe on—“

“Yeah it’s fine, let’s decide next week.” I say in a chipper tone that doesn’t match the sudden sadness that overcomes me.

It’s not that big of a deal; Rose is entitled to have a life outside of me and I shouldn’t be so completely reliant on her.

That’s not fair.

But I don’t have anyone else.


	4. Chapter 4

I’m sad to leave work on Saturday because I don’t want to go home. I have to endure 14 hours in the same apartment as Unkar. Since it’s the weekend he’ll hopefully be out. But, he could also have started drinking sooner and that means he’ll be home early _and_ drunk. Stupid piece of shit.

I sit down on the bus home and sigh at the prospect of doing homework. I should though. I need to get it done anyway and it’s only good if I’m ahead.

Displeased with how lame my weekend is I untangle my headphones and press the side button to see if I have any messages. I almost choke on my own spit when I see an unknown number has texted me _hey it’s ben._

I had almost forgotten I gave him my number (but not really) and assumed I would never hear from him. I avoided 7-Eleven all week and sulked at the fact that I had to find a new corner store to get my snacks from.

But there’s the message, staring right back at me from my phone screen. What the fuck do I say?  
  
I settle on a simple _hi_ since I don’t know how to talk to boys. He texted me almost an hour ago, but I don’t have my phone on me when I work. Will he be mad that I took so long and not respond? After five minutes of straight up glaring at my screen it’s obvious I fucked up my chance. As if I had one in the first place.

I frown out of the window as the bus takes me to my shitty apartment. I turn the sound up and skip to the angry songs in my playlist. I have a lot them.  
  
My phone buzzes in my back pocket as I’m walking home from the bus stop and my heart stops even though it’s probably Rose. I pull it out to see what she wants and I stop mid-step. It’s not Rose. It’s him.

What the fuck? I consider waiting 10 minutes before responding like he had, but I want to answer. And if he wants to play games, fine. It’s not like anything is going to happen anyway. Not like _he_ would want _me_.

_wyd?_

**just got off work :)**

I go to fish my keys out of the pocket fully expecting him to take at least another 10 minutes to respond but my phone buzzes _again_. A tiny spark of hope ignites in my chest. God, why am I so needy?

_any fires today or no?;)_

Oh my god, he remembered! AND sent a winky face. Do _not_ fall in love with this boy– man! He’s 22 for fuck’s sake- like he’d even _look_ at me in that way. Well, he kind of did that one time, but I could easily have misinterpreted that. I’m too much of a freak anyway and he’ll realize that soon. But until he does then maybe I can…

**haha no, luckily not**

We text back and forth as I try and finish some assignments. I tell him I’m watching a show because I don’t want to risk him stop texting me so I can “focus” and I also realize I haven’t told him I’m 17. Whoops. I should probably do that, but it doesn’t come up in conversation naturally – and it’s not like he’s interested in me romantically or whatever, so it doesn’t matter that much.

He’s going to a frat party that he’s not excited about since he hates frat boys (as do I) but he apparently promised a friend he’d go. Around 8 he tells me he’s going to the gym and getting ready after that, so I wish him a good night even though it’s kind of cringe.

**well I hope you have a nice night anyways lol**

_thanks  
just a heads up, i might txt u if it gets boring lol_

My heart does a somersault in my chest.

**sure ;)**

+++

  
  
I left the sound on my phone all night as I waited for him to text, but of course he didn’t.

God, when am I going to start acting like a normal person? What’s wrong with me? Why am I moping around at work because the guy from the corner store didn’t text me back? I need therapy or something.

Not like that’s news, though. 

I stared at that stupid winky face I sent all morning. I’m never sending one again. I might never use “sure” either, but that may prove to be more difficult. He’s too old for me anyways. He doesn’t even use emojis. He probably hooked up with some gorgeous sorority girl at the party last night.

Work distracts me until there’s the usual lull at four and I chill at the bar for 20 minutes before the next table is supposed to come in. I don’t want to look at my phone and see the empty notification wall but I’m bored and I should check in on Rose.  
  
Finn’s family took her _camping_ over the weekend like they’re in some kind of sappy Hallmark movie. About like, a healthy, functional, happy family or something. Gross.

_fuuuck i just woke up hahaha_

_i was blasted last night_

“Rey? You okay?” Jeremy says somewhere to the side of me and I drop my phone. It clatters on the bar as I drop it again when I try to pick it up.

“Huh? Yeah, he bexted tack. I mean…I just got a text back.” I say and wave my phone around as I laugh. God, I’m so awkward.  
  


+++

  
We text all week. I’m too scared to tell Rose in case I jinx it. I’m also too scared to go to the 7-Eleven in case he’s working and I’ll be all weird and awkward. Or, in case he forgot I’m ugly and that’s why he’s still texting me.  
  
I save his number as Ben- no emoji. Then to Ben SevenEleven when he makes me mad one time because doesn’t answer me for 16 hours. Then on Thursday I realize my mistake. This _incredible_ opportunity I almost missed.

**guess what youre saved in my phone as ;)**

_idk ben probably?_

I send him a screenshot of our conversation. At the top of the page his number is saved as _Seven-eleBEN_. I actually cackle in my room, but not loud enough for Unkar to hear over the action film he’s watching at full volume.

_hilarious_

He doesn’t like it, but that’s okay. I don’t feel anxious anymore to only say stuff I think he wants to hear. We’re like, actually getting to know each other.

_guess what ur saved as?_

**show me 👀**

I send emojis sometimes even though he never does, so he probably thinks it’s stupid. That’s fine. He still texts me. He sends a screenshot of our chat like I did, and I don’t know why my heart sped up in excitement at the message _ding_.

**Reyby?**

_bc ur rey + a baby_

**:(**

_see!_

So then I know he doesn’t like me.

I still text him back whenever he texts me but I don’t initiate like I did before and our daily messages are cut in half because of it, if not more. Obviously. Why would he even want to talk to someone like me?

My phone is dry on Friday and he goes out in the evening too so no late night chat either.

And that’s it.

I bet he’s going to stop texting all together within next week, and it'll be like nothing ever happened. Except, _ugh_ , he still works at my store. I’ll just have to stop getting treats after work. It’s not good for me either way.

I try to make the movie night happen with Rose but it’s her mom’s birthday so she can’t. They’re going to some spa-hotel for the weekend to celebrate so I’m all alone _again_. I’m just glad Finn isn’t going; then I would lose my shit.  
  
 _wyd today?_

Ben texts me on the way to work Saturday morning and I answer him dryly so we can get this over with as soon as possible.

**work. y?**

_im free today, lets smoke  
whn do u get off?  
ill pick u up_

I watch in shock as he sends three messages in a row. I’m getting whiplash with all of this on-off stuff. But I’m sad and lonely and I don’t have anything better to do – and I want to see him, but I don’t – so I say yes before I can change my mind.

+++

  
I monopolize the locker room mirror after I clock out to powder down all the shiny spots on my face. I reapply my lip-gloss but the rest will have to do since he texted me after I left. Ugh. I let my hair down and brush through it before spritzing myself in perfume. I’ll have to live with the line left in my hair from my ponytail. Why am I worrying about that? He probably won’t even notice it; he’s a boy after all. Or maybe he’s a man- I don’t know.

_here_

My phone dings as it receives his message and I’m in the parking lot before I remember I have no clue what his car looks like. No need to worry though, he’s leaning on the hood of a big black car I hope is his, smoking a cigarette right up front.  
  
He waves and flicks his cigarette away as he walks up to meet me.

“Let me get that.” He says and takes my overstuffed workbag like he’s a gentleman or my dad or something. “Damn girl, you keep bricks in here?”

“No, just stuff for work.” I say defensively because I’m nervous. He shoves my bag in the back seat and opens the passenger door for me with a bow.  
  
“Your carriage awaits, Madam.” He says theatrically and I giggle as I climb in. He’s got one of those high cars, SUV I think they’re called, and it’s surprisingly clean inside with just the faintest hint of weed. It’s not the newest model but still a very nice car for a college student. Maybe he got it when he was in the army or something.

I watch him walk around the front to get into the drivers seat and the car rocks a little when he sits down. The radio jumps to life and scares the shit out of me as he asks me how work was.  
  
“You’re really jumpy, aren’t you?” He smirks and chuckles at my meek denial.

He drives us to this vantage point he says no one goes to and the small talk goes well on the way there, surprisingly well. I do have to wipe my hands on my knees a few times because they get clammy.

When we’re parked he opens a compartment in the console between us and reveals two joints. He hangs one of them on his lower lip as he pulls out a lighter. I look back over my shoulder to the small dirt road and the green trees in the background.

“Don’t worry, no one comes up here.” He says like he can read my mind.

I eye the dirt road behind us again. “You sure?”

“Yes.” He laughs. Then his eyes start flitting over my face and I look away. “I promise.”  
  
“No cops either?” I say and narrow my eyes at him suspiciously, half-joking.  
  
“Nope, no cops.” He repeats and takes another long drag on the joint. I try to chill but still hesitate when he goes to pass the joint to me.

“Damn Rey, relax. Even if the cops come I’ll say it’s mine nothing will happen, it’s fine.” He says and then sighs as I still hesitate. “They’ll let you go and give me a slap on the wrist, max.” I take it from him so he won’t be angry but I don’t bring it to my lips right away.

“My mom’s a lawyer. She’ll get you out if the pigs put you away for life for smoking one joint.” He continues in an amused tone. It makes me smile so I take a hit.

It was me who brought this whole smoking weed thing up when Ben asked me if I’d ever smoked before and I said I preferred it to drinking (no hangover – alcohol just can’t compete). Then he said we should smoke together sometimes and I said yeah because I didn’t think he actually meant it.

But here I am. In his car. Next to him. Putting my lips on the filter where his were a second ago.

It hits me when I hand the joint back to Ben. My arms suddenly feel heavy like they’re made of stone and I sink back in the seat as I feel a rush up to my brain. Wow. It’s a lot stronger than what I’ve had at parties.

There’s a second rush up to my brain and it’s almost too much. What _is_ this?

“Purple Haze.” He says. Oh. I must have said that out loud.

I hum when he starts talking and try keep up with what he’s saying but I also have to focus on the tip of the windshield wiper laying against the window, otherwise I feel dizzy.  
  
I register him rooting around in the mid-console again but I can’t move my head and then the car fills with _Cypress Hill_. I start to feel a little better when I focus on the lyrics. I shake my head no when he offers me more.

I stare at the sky over our shitty town and watch the clouds float by. My mouth gets dry and I wish I had something to drink when I realize I’ve been silent for like, too long. I sit up and the heaviness in my arms that tethered me to the seat goes away.  
  
Blinking to get rid of the weird feeling in my eyes I see Ben is staring at me.

“What?” I say as he rolls his lips in an attempt not to smile.  
  
“You stared out the window without saying anything for 20 minutes just now. You okay?” He says with a mocking smile and a little laugh. I get annoyed. Or embarrassed.  
  
“Yeah!” I croak and he raises an eyebrow in doubt. “My arms got super heavy.” I mumble because I’m still a little out of it. He laughs at me so I pout and I cross my arms as I sit back in my seat.

“I’ll bring something weaker next time.” He says smiling to himself as looks down at his phone.  
  
There’s going to be a next time?


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> idk how i feel abt this chapter 
> 
> TW: (foster)parent abuse

“What are you smiling at?” Rose asks and tries to peek at my phone. I quickly lock the screen and her mild curiosity turns to suspicion.

“Nothing.” I say an octave too high. She clearly doesn’t buy it as her eyes narrows slightly. “How was the spa?” I try and she bites.

“Oh my god, it was _sooo_ nice. We should go there sometime for a girls day!” She suggests and I _humph_ at her knowing it will probably be expensive. What happened to our movie night?

She goes on about the massages, facial treatments and breakfast buffet as we walk to our lockers and my phone buzzes again. I smile knowing it’s Ben.

He came and picked me up on Sunday after work too and we went back up to the viewpoint. This time he brought something called indica and I could actually talk this time. I felt relaxed and almost tipsy, like when you’re just starting to get drunk. It made me giggle a lot but he didn’t seem annoyed by it.

I even told him my age, but like, in the worst way. I was laughing at him as he was telling me a story about this party he went to where he jumped off a roof and belly flopped into a pool.

“I couldn’t wear a shirt for like a week after that. I was pretty wild in high school.” He’d said with a nostalgic hint to his voice and I gasped as I remembered I had forgotten to tell him that _I_ was still in high school.

My hand snapped up to cover my mouth as he stared at me in confusion.

“What?” He said with a hint of concern in his deep voice that stroked my ego. I, for some reason, lowered my hand and grabbed his arm that was resting on the mid-console.

“I forgot to tell you!” had come out before I realized he might get really mad and stop talking to me because of this. “I’m 17!” I exclaimed and waited for him to speak.

He looked just as confused as before, but not angry.

“Oh. When do you graduate?”

“Next year. I’m a junior.” I said a little breathlessly as I still held onto this forearm. It was warm and lightly dusted with black hair.

“When do you turn 18?” He asked with a little wrinkle between his eyebrows.  
  
“February.” I said. “I’m an Aquaman- Aquarius.“ I added because he was pausing too long. Immediately the atmosphere shifted back to the same ease as before when he laughed at me in that loud, rumbling way he does.

“Aquaman? You’re an Aquaman?” He mocked me and I let go of his lower arm to slap his upper arm, biting down on my lip to keep myself from laughing.

“Aquarius, you know what I meant!” I said and joined in on the laugh but the car quickly grew quiet again.

“What’s your star sign?” I said to break the silence.

“Scorpio. Way cooler.” He said with a confident smirk and I scoffed in protest.

“No way, Aquarius is way cooler. Who wants to be a poisonous desert spider when you can be-“

“Aquaman? And talk to fish?” He finished for me with a big grin.

“I’m not Aquaman!” I said and tried to slap his arm again but he caught my wrist this time. I tried to it jerk back but he held onto it like a vice, and the momentum made me move forward instead. Then his face was only inches from mine again and I gasped softly.

He chuckled as he let me go and I sunk back in my seat half-stunned from being so close to his face.

“It’s fine, you know.”

“Huh?” I said while rubbing where he’d held me.

“That you’re 17.” He said and I blushed. “If you’re fine with me being 22.”

“Oh.” I croaked. “Y-yeah.”

He took me home not long after that and I stayed up all night thinking about how I’d forgotten to breathe when his face was so close to mine. Well, that and the fact that Unkar wouldn’t stop slamming shit until 2 AM.  
  
My phone buzzes again when I sit down in History and for the first time ever Mr. Lundberg has to tell me to put my phone away.  
  


+++

  
I assume he wouldn’t want to hang out, well, ever again- or at least until Saturday - but on Wednesday evening he texts me after he gets off work. We’re up at the viewpoint again and I watch the sky turn lilac as the clouds glow orange. A terrible, horrible song comes on and threatens to ruin my high so I slap my hand on his lap where his phone is resting.

He looks up at me with raised eyebrows and his eyes darken as a smirk blooms on his face.

“Switch song.” I flex my fingers and his smirk disappears as he gives me the phone.

Geez, he doesn’t need to sulk just because I don’t like _one_ of his songs. He hates all the ones I put on. He still lets me listen to them, though.

I wonder if he’s going to think it’s weird, but decide to put on Lil’ Kim’s _Crush on You._ It’s just a song title.

The 90’s hip hop beat fills the car as Ben stares at me. Sometimes the mood in the car shifts when he does that and it makes my palms itch. It feels like something is about to happen but nothing ever does happen, so I look down at my phone and open a snap from Rose.

“Do you have snapchat?” I ask. He hasn’t even asked for mine, which is like the first thing boys do when they’re interested in you. Or want you to send nudes. He also never sends dirty emojis and his texts aren’t even flirty. He clearly only sees me as a friend.  
  
“Hm?” He purrs. I like it when he does that. It’s such a… _manly_ sound. “Check, I might have deleted it. I never use it.” He reaches over to unlock his phone with this thumbprint and rests his wrist on my leg as he does so. I suppress a thrill that travels up my leg from where his hand is to my core. Then he hands me the phone, which is odd, but I guess he’s too lazy to check himself.

He doesn’t take away his hand from my thigh while I flip though his phone. I try not to squirm.

“You deleted it.” I say and hold it out for him. With a groan he straightens in his seat and takes it with the hand from my lap. I wince internally at the removal. I open my camera to send Rose a snap and see that my cheeks are all pink.

“Fuck, what was my password?” He says to himself tapping away at his screen.

I can’t help the small smile forming on my lips as he hands me the phone back so I can add myself.

+++  
  


“Why were you in the woods yesterday?” Rose asks when I show up to school on Thursday.

“Um, what?” What is she on about? “I wasn’t in the woods yesterday.” I assure her but my voice gets higher as I say it so it sounds more like a question.

“I saw you on on the map, what were you doing out there?” Oh. She means the viewpoint. I should have turned off my location.  
  
“I was hanging out with um, ah- a friend.” I stammer and Rose looks the opposite of satisfied by my answer.

“Who?” She demands and I feel my face get hot. I’m a bad liar. I’m bad at most things.

“Just a work friend, we just drove up to a vantage point and chilled.” I say and shrug.

“Oh.” Is all she says before she switches the topic. “Maybe you can invite your work friend to come with us this Saturday.” She says and it’s my turn to be suspicious.

“Why? What are we doing on Saturday? And who is ‘we’?” I question.

“You and I and Finn,” she says and I groan at the thought of third wheeling again. “are going to this party in Hacienda.” She grabs onto my arm as I groan again.

Hacienda is across town and we need to get a ride there and home and I feel bad for always making Rose’s parents drive us to things. It’s also where all the asshole rich kids live so I bet it’ll be real stiff.  
  
I’d also rather see Ben. But I haven’t seen Rose outside of school in almost two weeks. There’s always Friday, right? I’ll see Ben on Friday, go to the party with Rose on Saturday and maybe Ben will want to see meet up on Sunday too. No need to worry. It’ll work out.

After school I take the bus to work and spend my shift creating the perfect message in my head. Should I just like, ask? No I have to wait for it to come up naturally in discussion. But what if he doesn’t text me anymore tonight? Ugh, why is this so hard. He’s the one who has been initiating so far and I don’t know how to say it without sounding totally pathetic.

On the bus home I stare at the screen until I drum up the courage to ask. We’ve hung out three times now, so it’s not weird if I do. Right? I’m too nervous to see if he replies so I throw my phone in my bag and decide I won’t look at it until I get off the bus.

As I step off I take a deep breath and click the side button. The screen lights up with his answer right at the top.

_going to a bar with some friends tmrw, sry cant_

Oh.

I don’t know why I expected anything other than rejection. Of course he’d rather go to a bar with his friends, he’s 22. That’s what 22 year olds do. They don’t want to hang out with 17 year olds.

God, I’m so dumb.

+++

  
I’m in a bad mood all Friday so I go home instead of watching Finn play. I don’t want to be around people right now, I want to be alone. I don’t have the patience to have to pretend like I’m a normal person.  
  
Unfortunately Unkar is home and has already started his weekend binge by the looks of the empty vodka bottle on the table.  
  
“Rey? That you?” I hear as I take off my jacket. Who else would it be?

“Yes.” I call in a curt tone. I can’t stand the man.

“I thought you had work.” He barks from the couch as I walk past the living room.

“Soon.” I go to my room and dump my bag by the door and pull out the work sheet from Chem. I should be able to finish it before I need to leave. The rest will have to wait.  
  
I read over the first question but lose focus when I hear Unkar grunt and struggle up from the couch. I hope his heavy steps down the hall are heading towards the bathroom, but no door opens.

“You go a twenty I can borrow?” he asks and I jump even though I heard him coming.

God, what’s wrong with me sometimes?!  
  
“No, I don’t have cash on me.” I say too quickly and I hear him huff behind me.  
  
“Yes, you do, you little shit.” He swears and I turn to glare at him over my shoulder as he leans down and rummages through my backpack. When he doesn’t find anything he turns it upside down and books, papers and pens are strewn over my floor.

“The fuck you work for then!” He yells and stares at me and clenches his jaw when I don’t answer. Slowly he goes to turn and disappears behind the doorframe.

“Not to fund your fucking alcoholism at least.” I mutter under my breath when I think he can’t hear. I’m wrong. The heavy steps turn and then he’s barreling back through my door, headed right for me. I brace as he grips the back of my neck and slams me onto my desk to pin me there.

“You ungrateful little _bitch_.” he hisses in my ear as his grip tightens and I’m forced harder into the wood. My forehead aches.

“All I do for you, and you can’t even spare me twenty fuckin’ dollars?!” he continues and the side of my face gets drenched in spit.

“I should throw you out on the fuckin’ streets.” he keeps tightening his grip as he speaks and my pulse roars in my ears. I say nothing and try to calm my breathing hoping he’ll be done soon.  
  
“Stingy piece of shit.” He says as he gets up and presses more weight on my neck as he digs his fingernails into my skin. It stings so bad it feels like I’m bleeding. He lets me go after what seems like ten years and yells some more before he slams my door shut.

I lay still on my desk, breathing hard through my nose as I let the rage roll through every vein in my body before it slowly dwindles and makes room for a growing numbness.


	6. Chapter 6

I go to work and don’t even pretend to be okay, but it’s fine because we’re so busy no one notices. Right before 9 it gets calmer and I hang out at the bar waiting for the guests to finish or order more so I have something to do.

“Hey Rey-Rey.” Jeremy says coming out of the kitchen at the same time I unlock my phone. “What are you doing when you get off?”

“Not much.” I answer truthfully dreading the fact that I have to go home in half an hour. “You?” I ask absentmindedly going through my phone, seeing the tiny red bubble on my snap chat app has the number two in it. Um, weird. Did Finn snap me?

“It’s my friends birthday tonight so we were going out to celebrate, but since I’m closing I’ll probably miss out.” He says, obviously seeking a sympathetic favor. I’d roll my eyes if I weren’t so desperate to take the bait.

“I mean we can switch if you want.” I say in such a monotone voice it takes him a minute to understand that I’m offering to switch and not telling him to fuck off.

“What, really? Thanks Rey!” He says and runs off to see if it’s okay with our boss. I turn back to my phone and open snapchat and see why Rose _and_ Finn are sending me snaps, but to my surprised the red square under Rose’s is sent from Ben.

My pulse quickens as I read his name, but it’s nowhere near my usual pathetic physiological reaction to his messages. The disappointment is also less when I see it’s just a blurry picture of a few beers on a table, asking me how work is.

“Henry said it was okay! Are you sure you’re fine with it?” Jeremy comes back and then goes to the locker room when I affirm that it is. I take a picture of the floor, getting my legs in the shot.

_Shit. How is the bar?_

I click on Rose’s picture to see what she sent just when Jeremy comes up to thank me again and leave, and when I turn back to answer Rose I get a notification that Ben snapped me back.  
  
He sent me almost an identical photo but angled slightly upwards, capturing two torsos, one male and one female with a perfectly curled lock of pink hair hanging down. I always look bad when I try to curl my hair. He’s probably fucking her.

_kinda shitty beer tbh but it’s cheap lol. wyd tmrw?_

I consider typing out ‘Why do you care?’ but I’m not that bitchy even though I’m in a shit mood. I have to retake the photo twice because my chicken legs somehow manage to look fat.

**Going to a party with Rose & Finn after work **

I throw my phone into the cubby we keep them in after I send it and make a round through the tables. Two of them ask for the check and I have to run around for a bit, but it's an unusually slow night. Vanessa shows up as I’m printing out the receipts for the second table and tells me I can go home. I don’t even argue. I just want to go bury myself under my covers and never wake up.

I see Ben snapped me back but I decide to wait until I’m on the bus before opening it. Even though all I do is stare at the notification the whole 8 minutes before the bus comes.

_oh ok, was gonna ask if u wanted to hang but have fun :)_

Um, okay? What’s that supposed to mean? Normally my heart would jump out of my chest but now I’m just annoyed. I don’t want to go to the stupid party, but if I cancel and tell him that I can hang out, I’ll just look desperate. Also Rose would kill me.

I sigh at the fact that I’m going to spend my Saturday night in a corner watching other people make out when I could be smoking with Ben and forgetting about Unkar, and mom and everything.

**you too**

I type out over a picture of the bus floor, but it’s too harsh. I flip the camera around and take a selfie with a slight smile so it won’t come across _that_ rude. Just a little.

He texts back immediately as soon as he opens it, but it’s still just a picture of the table. The text _does_ make my heart jump this time.

_u look cute_

I almost drop my phone, but manage to catch it at the last second, earning a glare from the lady next to me.

Fuck, what do I say? Okay, don’t be weird Rey. I take another selfie, this time with a bigger smile. A real smile.

**Thanks :)**

I keep refreshing the snap page to see his response but the minutes just tick by under the ‘opened’ icon.

I come home to an empty house and almost throw my phone against the wall in frustration. I don’t, obviously, but I throw it on the bed hard and watch it bounce as I try to reign in my emotions.

Why the fuck would he call me cute and then ignore me? Why am I so upset about it? He’s literally a college student, he’s _not_ interested. When am I going to get that into my thick skull?

I get ready for bed trying to be unbothered, but I'm not. When I fall asleep it’s him I’m thinking of.

+++

I wake up early on Saturday thanks to Unkar. He’s throwing shit around in the kitchen and hasn’t even gone to bed yet. Cool.

I go for a run so I won’t have to interact with him and he’s asleep on the couch when I come back.

I shower and get my bag ready for staying over at Rose’s and work the next morning. Ben still hasn’t texted or snapped. It was bound to happen anyway, but why did he have to call me cute first? Now I can’t stop thinking about him.

I eat breakfast and try to clean up the mess Unkar made but I have to leave for the bus before I’m done. I hope he won’t get mad. He always gets mad when I go sleep over at Rose’s and there’s no one to clean up after him. He’s such a man-child.

I bet Ben cleans up after himself. His car was really clean.

No. _Stop it_. Don’t think about him.

Rose is super excited for the party and even comes to pick me up after work even though I tell her I can take the bus. I eat tacos with her and her family just like old times, before Finn. He shows up when we’re half way done with our make up and I chill with the beer this time.

We (and by we I mean Finn) couldn’t get any alcohol this time so he brought what he had at home; two six packs, which was more than I expected when he said he couldn't get any. Rose snuck some or her parents vodka in flask earlier too. They don’t mention the fact that I didn’t bring any and Finn waves off my twenty when I try to give it to him. I get a little worried and wonder if Rose told him I’m a foster kid.

One of Finn’s friends comes and picks us up from Rose’s and they make me sit up front with the friend. Finn, who did not chill it with the beer, is a bit more than tipsy and keeps trying to pull Rose into his lap as he sings along to the song playing.

“ _Baby you’re the baddest_ , _baby you’re the baddest girl, and uh_ ” He sings as Rose swats his hands away. I pull my phone out and film them as Finn opens her seatbelt and Rose shrieks with laughter, ending up on his lap. “ _No body else matters girl, and uh, we’re kissing in the bathroom-_ ”

“Finn, stop!” She laughs as his hands come up her sides and I stop filming.

“Save the video, I want him to see this later.” She says with another shriek as her boyfriend gropes her. I save it and go to send it to her but accidentally miss-click and send it to Ben. _Fuu-_

“Shit!” I exclaim, holding back the ‘I sent it to Ben!’ that’s on the tip of my tongue.

“What? Did you save it?” Rose asks from the back.

“Yeah, yeah no worries.” I say and scratch my forehead grimacing. Shit. I send him a blurry selfie making a face with the text _sorry wrong person lol._ I doubt he’s even going to open it.

To make matters worse, when we’re dropped off at the party the person who opens the door is none other than Poe. He’s drunk already, and surprisingly pulls me into a hug as he says hello.

We go into the living room where a small crowd is and Finn introduces us. I notice Jessika Pava isn’t there. Interesting. I pull out a beer from Finn’s backpack and Rose and I go sit with some girls from Poe’s high school for a while. Finn argues with some guys. He’s an arguer when he gets drunk, or rather, he just likes talking a lot and he has like, formed opinion and stuff. I’m a crier. That’s why Rose keeps tabs on me because I can’t do it myself, which is sad and fucked up. But kind of also not my fault, it’s literally in my gene pool. Thanks mom.  
  
I get a compliment on my hair and thank the girl and recommend my hair mask to her. Rose and her goes off on a tangent about silicone in shampoos and my back pocket buzzes. What the-?

I get a picture of the 7-Eleven, _my 7-Eleven_ , but from behind the counter. It takes me a minute to realize who sent it.

_haha, drunk already?_

Feeling a spark of satisfaction travel straight to my ego I take a selfie with my beer. He _answered_.

**getting there ;)**

Rose says my name and I leave my phone in my pocket even after it buzzes. Talking to the girls from the other school is actually fun and I enjoy that fact that Ben is waiting for _me_ to reply.

I’m also getting a little tipsy. Rose asks for another beer and I go to get one for myself too. After a while the girls rotate and I’m on the way to the kitchen to grab water before my next beer when Finn grabs me.

“Hey, Rey, isn’t it right that Diane Kreuger was strangled in _Inglorious Basterds_? Like, for real strangled.” He says and I stare between him and Poe.

“Yeah. By the director actually, not Cristoph Waltz though.” I say and start to feel all floaty. “Why are you guys discussing _that_?” I ask without thinking.  
  
“Poe didn’t believe me when I told him.” Finn says and shakes his head comically.

“Okay.” I laugh and go to turn. A hand comes around my elbow and keeps me there. I turn to see what Finn wants, but it’s Poe’s hand. Uh…

“You like Tarantino movies?” He asks with a glint in his eyes.

“Yeah, but not the gory stuff.” I say and wrinkle my nose.

“Whaaat? That’s the best part!” Poe says and Finn enthusiastically agrees.  
  
“It’s too violent sometimes, like, I don’t need to see someone’s brains get bashed in for 15 minutes.” I explain and Finn boos at me and I push out my bottom lip in an exaggerated pout.

“Aw, she’s too delicate for all that violence Finny, leave her alone.” Poe says with a brilliant smile, his arm coming around my shoulders and pulling me into his side. Okay, what the actual-

“I need some water.” I say abruptly and leave.

I chug down a full cup and pull out my phone to make me feel less flustered about what Poe just did. The flusteredness or whatever goes away when I see Ben’s snap.

_haha have fun but stay safe_

I barely have time to read what he texted and it’s just another picture of the store. I turn my camera to face me and hide half of my face behind my cup.

**water break**

The response is instant, and I open it as soon as I’m done refilling my water. This time it’s of the edge of a desk and his sweatpant-clad lap. Is that…is that the outline of his-

_good girl ;)_

That’s kind of weird to say of him, but it also kind of turns me on.

“Rey, come on! We’re playing beer pong!” Finn calls as he pokes his head into the kitchen Poe behind him staring at me with glittering dark eyes. God, can he not?

“But we don’t have anymore beer!” I say back and round the island.

“I got you!” Poe says and I come with them to the dining room table. Our team wins, which really means we lose, but that’s fine. I don’t want to get too drunk, and have to almost fight Poe and Finn to get them to let me sit out the next round. Plopping down in a couch I giggle with Rose as her boyfriend competitive streak comes out. I realize I never snapped Ben back and send him a short video of Finn psyching out the opposite team.

**Just lost at beer pong :(**

I drop my phone in my lap and watch the match with Rose. A few minutes go by and he snaps me back. He’s so responsive tonight!

_haha too bad. who is that?_

I turn my camera around and Rose instinctively leans in and sticks her tongue out, I do the same.

 **Finn, her bf!**

We snap a few times back and forth as Finn finished the game. I fight the urge to rub my glittery eyelids as I begin to feel sleepy and I sink further down in the couch. Rose yawns and gets up to call her parents when Finn’s done. I watch Poe walk over to me and almost choke on my water when he slides down where Rose was just sitting.

“Ah, feels good to win.” He says with a smirk and puts his arm behind me over the back of the couch.

“Um…”I say and sit up, but he misinterprets my movement and puts his hand on my shoulder and starts rubbing there.

“Want a taste?” He says and leans in real close, the neck of his beer bottle shoved in my face. I raise an eyebrow.

“What about Jessika?” I say and the boy. Does. Not. Even. Flinch.

“What about her?” He whispers as his lips come to rest by my ear, hand pulling me in closer to him. He lips land on my neck and I jerk back. Ew? I shrug him off and run past Finn and Rose in the hallway, locking myself in bathroom.

**W hy areb oys so G r OSS?!?!**

I text Ben as I put down the toilet seat, leaving my phone momentarily next to the sink. I pee and wash my hands while my phone buzzes so much it almost falls off.

_idk haha_

_what happened?_

_r u ok??_

I smile as I make out the increasing urgency in the messages and tell him I’m fine. 

**some dude who has gf triedd to make out with my jus noow like ew?**

Rose knocks on the door. “Rey, we’re leaving, mom’s here!” I come out through the hallway and Rose makes me sit in the back with Finn. We both try to say nothing, only humming along to Rose when her mom asks us about the night.

Rose’s parents are so cool; they drive us to parties and don’t mind if we drink. I wish I had parents like that. I wish I had parents, period - but mom just had to do drugs I guess.

Sighing I pull up my phone to see what Ben texted me.

_ohh that’s big yikes_

_txt me when u get home tho_

I do when we get back to Rose’s, with a big grin on my face.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i rewrote this three times, it will have to do lol
> 
> tw: very brief mention of abortion in relation to self(?)

“Rey! Breakfast! Wake up!” Rose calls from the doorway. When I only groan and roll over in her bed she runs over and jumps on me.

"Oof!" I grunt when she lands on my stomach. 

“Wake up!” She yells as she shakes me while I try to hide under the blanket. “Mom made pancakes!”

“Pancakes?” I crack an eye open and Rose laughs tearing the blanket from me. I curl into a ball on the bed when the cold air hits my bare legs.

“Yes! Come downstairs.” She says backs off the bed, grabbing my ankle in the process to try and drag me off her pink bed.

"Okay, okay!" I laugh, almost slipping off and falling on my ass. 

We go downstairs to the kitchen where Mr. and Mrs. Tico are laughing at something Finn said. He’s like, more comfortable with them than I am, and I spent almost every weekend in middle school up to sophomore year here. I guess some people are just better.

“Good morning, sleepy head!” He says when he sees me. Jesus, It’s like 8AM and we were at a party last night. Can he chill?

“Would you like some coffee, Rey?” Mrs. Tico asks as I sit down and pours me a cup after I nod. I’m starving but only stack two fluffy pancakes on my plate so they won’t think we don’t have food at home or whatever.

Finn dominates the conversation at the breakfast table but I chip in every so often so they won’t think I’m weird or depressed or something. In 8th grade Mrs. Tico called child services because I was “quiet and moody” during one of Unkars binging-periods and boy, did he get mad. I sure don’t need a repeat of that right now.

After we finish breakfast I go get ready for work in Rose’s room. I pretend that I don’t see the empty notification wall when I pull out my charging phone from the socket, and repress a disappointed sigh. God, I’m so desperate – no wonder I’ve never had a boyfriend.

Rose's mom offers to drive me to work when I come downstairs. Rose doesn’t interject from her place in Finn’s arms on the couch. Traitor.

Mrs. Tico is good at small talk though and we talk about easy stuff like work, school and Finn on the way there.

“Yeah, I mean Finn’s a good guy. I’m glad he and Rose are applying to Brown, I hope they both get in.” I say earnestly.

“Me too, that would be great for them.” Mrs. Tico says and gives me a tight smile. She has the tact not to bring up my post-graduation plans in comparison. I’d never get in to Brown even if I had money for the tuition. “Well, here we are.” She says and I unclip my belt to get out.

“Thanks so much for the ride!” I say cheerily and reach for my bag by my feet.

“No problem, honey.” She says in an equally happy tone, right before she hits me with the killer. “Just before you go Rey, is everything okay at home?” I think I twitch at her question before I can control my response, she had me so relaxed with the superficial chit-chat on the way here.

A million questions surface in my mind at once. Did she notice something? Was it my mood? My demeanor? Something I said? Something in the tone of my voice? Did she see the bruises? Did Rose notice something? Did Rose say something? Did _Finn_ say something?

“Yeah. Everything’s good.” I say automatically, forcing a big smile.

“That’s great, sweetie.” She says and I can see she wants to say more but I'm already halfway out of the car. She'll just say stuff like I’m always welcome at theirs and if I ever need something she can help me and blah, blah, blah. I’ve heard it a thousand times before from countless faces and they all meant well but nothing ever helps. It’s better just to suffer in silence and not involve other people. Rose doesn’t deserve to be drawn into my mess, and neither does her parents.

“Thanks for the ride again!” I say and manage to wait for Mrs. Tico’s response before shutting the car door. I let my face drop after I turn, still wondering why she asked me that.

“What’s the matter with you?” Henry says in greeting. Nice to see you too, asshole. “Perk up before the guests come.” Asshole.

+++

The Sunday guests pour into the restaurant in a steady stream and I can take my break halfway through my shift on time for once. I go out the back to get some fresh air while I scarf down some fries from the kitchen. I wipe my hands on my apron before I fish out my phone from my back pocket.

Ben’s snapped me. I notice I’m grinning like an idiot when I flip the camera to face me.

He’s asking if I want to hang out after work, which I do. A swarm of butterflies flutter to life in my stomach when I answer him, a baser part of my brain instantly wondering how his big soft lips would feel on mine. No, I have to stop. Not going to happen.

I text him when I clock out at 6PM and his response is instant, saying he’s 5 minutes away. I touch up my make up and throw my uniform in the wash. I rifle through my bag three times before I accept the fact that I must have forgotten my jeans at Rose’s.

“Shit!” I yell. I’ll have to wear the skirt I wore to the party last night. It was warm out this morning so I wore it for the short ride to work. Guess I’ll have to wear it now, too. I step into my sneakers and toss the bag over my shoulder, wondering if he’ll think I’m dressing up for him or something.

It’s just a plain black skirt in stretchy fabric though, with a tight short sleeve with buttons down the front. Very basic. I unbutton the top button before I leave.

Ben’s smoking by the hood again, and I hurry my steps when I realize I made him wait again.

“Hey.” He says with a smile and I stop in front of him, dropping my bag with a _thud_ on the pavement.

“Hi! Sorry I took so long, I couldn’t find my pants.” I say and tug down the skirt. It rides up when I walk. He wets his lips with the tip of his tongue as he watches me from behind his shades.

“No worries.” He says in an easy tone and leans down to pick up my bag with one hand, walking over to open the back door with his other hand. I can’t help but to be a little impressed with his strength. I bet he could pick me up and throw me over his shoulder like I weighed nothing.

“How was your day?” I ask as he opens the passenger door for me and he gives me another smile.

“Better now.” He says and I swear he winks behind his shades. I feel my cheeks flame up when he shuts the door and rounds the hood, that little spark of hope roaring to a flame momentarily.  
  
I ruin it of course, when he asks me the same thing and I stammer though an account of my day as he drives up to the viewpoint. I finally shut up when he parks the car and throws his phone in my lap for me to pick the music. I queue up some songs I think he won’t mind as the lighter clicks to life and the distinct sound of rolling paper burning fills the car.

“So how was the party?” He says in that thick voice he gets sometimes when smoking.

“Ugh, don’t get me started.” I say and roll my eyes. I start from the beginning, being a fan of chronological order, and Ben sits quietly listening, sometimes asking who different people are or humming in accordance to let me know he’s still listening.

Soon the joint is gone and I absent-mindedly play with the hem of my skirt when I tell him about Poe.

“And then he pulled me to him and tried to kiss my neck, which is so gross!” I exclaim and give a hard tug on the hem, making it snap back even higher and exposing more of my thigh. “Oops.” I say and fix it, catching Ben staring at my legs in the process.

“What, you don’t like being kissed on your neck?” He asks casually, meeting my eyes instead of looking away. It’s not at all what I’d though he’d say and I feel my pulse quicken at the mention of me being kissed, of _him_ asking how I like being kissed.

“Wh- well, I mean I do - but not by someone who has a girlfriend!” I add feeling my face burn. Ben _humph_ s and turns to look out the window.

“Do you?” I say, unable to repress the impulse. His eyes snap to mine, dark and half-hooded. It’s back, that tension in the air as his eyes travel down my front.

“It doesn’t do that much for me.” He shrugs and this time I repress asking _What does?_ I stare down at my lap, thinking that’s that and waiting for the mood in the car to go back to normal.

“Did you wear that to the party?” He asks instead and he’s still got that look on his face when I meet his eyes again.

“Yeah, but with a different top.” I say uselessly. He shifts in his seat and reaches out, the back of his hand stroking the black fabric before he starts playing with the hem like I just did.

“You should wear skirts more often. They look good on you.” He says in a low voice as he strokes my thigh though the fabric, his fingers gently grazing over the soft skin of my upper leg.

“You think so?” comes out of my mouth in a soft, steady tone. His eyes stay trained on my face as he continues the small strokes on my thigh, dark as night and glazed over with a hunger no one’s looked at me with before. 

“Mh-hm” he hums and breaks eye contact to look down. “You have nice legs.”

“Thanks. I run three miles every day.” I inform him, as his face comes closer and closer as my heart starts thumping against my ribs.

Then his plush lips are on mine, warm and soft and I have to remind myself to close my eyes. I suppress the panic of _oh my god we’re actually kissing_ and start mimicking his movements, hoping he doesn’t think I’m that bad of a kisser. I force myself to relax and enjoy it, since it’s likely it won’t happen again, and I kiss him back a bit harder. He makes a groan in the back of throat that goes straight to my core and I let out a tiny moan in response. His tongue swipes over my bottom lip and I part my lips to let him in.  
  
He presses more of his weight on me despite the slightly awkward lean across the car, pinning me between him and the seat. I weave my fingers though the inky waves on the back of his head like I’ve dreamt of doing so many times, and he groans again, louder, and his tongue pushes deeper into my mouth, all hot and hungry.  
  
In a flash the weight of him is gone with an annoyed grunt. I can barely register him swearing as he squirms in his seat and I barely have time to wonder what I did wrong before he hoists me over the mid-console and I’m sideways on his lap.

He kisses me again, teeth clashing in hurried need and I automatically pull back to say sorry. I only have time to part my lips with a small gasp before he grabs my jaw in one big hand, pulling me back into the kiss. His other hand rests firmly on my hip and I patiently wait for it to wander up my side to cup my breast or down my leg and up my skirt as I eagerly kiss him back.

It stays on my hip though, his fingers occasionally flexing to a harder grip when I accidentally let a moan or whimper slip. Even if we never went further than this I could die happy now, I think as the car fills with wet kissing noises. I don't know how long we stay like that, but not long enough before we’re rudely interrupted by a phone ringing, and he let’s me pull away this time so I can reach over and see who’s calling.

It’s Unkar.

Shit. Unkar never calls. He’ll probably lose his shit if I ignore it; even if all I want to do is chuck my phone off the cliff we’re parked at. Ben watches passively, a little out of breath as I click the answer button.

“Hello?” I practically pant into the phone, rocking a bit as Ben shifts his legs under me.  
  
“Where are you?” Unkar gruffs back at me.

“Out with a friend.” I say without thinking and Ben clears his throat. I look up and notice his lips are all red and swollen, wondering how my own look right now. He smiles at me.

“You have school in the morning.” Unkar says and I hear the _clink_ of glass bottles on the other side of the phone.  
  
“I know.” I answer. “It’s not that late.” I try and instantly regret it.

“This ain’t a hotel, _Rey_. Come back!” He snaps, pronouncing my name like it’s a curse word. Something dirty. The disconnect tone blares into my ear and I sigh. Ben’s sitting so close he must have heard all of that. I fiddle with my phone, too ashamed to meet his eyes.

“Was that your dad?” He asks and I chuckle bitterly.

“No, my foster dad.” I say as I fiddle with my phone. I don’t want to meet his eyes, don’t want to see the look of pity on his face.

“Oh.” He says in a tone trying to sound neutral, but I can still tell he’s surprised.

Yes, I’m broken and damaged, but I’m good at pretending that I’m not. I’m finishing high school and working on the side which is better than most people do, a hundred times better than Unkar – a thousand times better than mom. Sure, I can’t bear to look at my reflection in the mirror most days and I can’t really talk to people, but I have Rose.

 _Had_ Rose. Had Ben for a minute.

“I guess I should take you home.” He says and it makes me angry for some reason. I should go home, I _need_ to go home or Unkar will flip out, but a small part of me feels like he wants to get rid of me.

“Mh-hm.” I huff and awkwardly climb over to my seat, probably flashing him in the process. I don’t care. He didn’t make a move when we made out so he obviously isn’t into me, and I’m pretty sure that door shut permanently with my implied _I’m-a-fucked-up-foster-kid_ background.

Boys don’t like sad girls.

We drive home in silence. Ben turns on the stereo and I look out the window the entire ride, cursing my mother for not getting an abortion to whatever gods are listening.

I take a deep breath as the car rocks to a halt on Ceder Street. I can’t bare the interaction if I actually show my true feelings, even though it must be obvious from the ride here.

“Thanks for the ride, I had a really good time today!” I say like a robot and smile mechanically at him as I unclip my belt and drag my heavy bag into my lap from the back seat. “I’ll see you around!” I say, like I always do to boys I’ve hooked up with. Those words are magic I swear, because I never see them again after that.

Bye Ben, I think bittersweetly. It would never have worked out between us anyway, but it was nice to have someone to chill with other than Rose. At least I got to kiss him once. 

“Rey…” Ben says and I pause at the door lock and turn back to him, flinching a bit when he’s closer than I thought he would be. I squeak in surprise when he leans down and kisses me, softly, sweetly – and it feels like my heart melts into honey in my chest, thick and sticky and golden.

I wish it would last forever, but he breaks the kiss after only a moment and pulls back to look down at me, eyes sparkling in the dark. “Sleep well.” He says in his low, baritone voice.

“Y-you too.” I breathe and he sits back in his seat with a small smirk.

Warm and hot and a little confused I manage to open the car door and climb out, despite my legs shaking like a leaf.


	8. Chapter 8

I feel like I’m in a state of delirium when I wake up on Monday morning. There’s a good morning-text from Ben when I turn off my alarm. A _good morning-_ text. What the fuck? I text him back as I scrape the sides of the butter tub to get something to spread on the half-stale slice of bread I’m having for breakfast.

He’s working the morning shift and convinces me to stop by the store before I head to school. I think I must be dreaming still when he spots me though the window, flashing a big smile and practically jogging to reach the automatic doors before I do.

“Hey.” He says a little breathless, and my brain is so dazed from confusion I can’t even say hi before he bends down to press a quick kiss on my lips. What in the—

“Here, sorry I have go and take the deliveries.” He says and pushes a pastry bag and a drink in my arms before leaning down to kiss me again. “Have a good day at school.” He mumbles against my lips before turning back into the store, waving at my dumbfounded figure with a satisfied look on his face.

I try waving back, but I just drop the drink and look stupid. Luckily he’s already in the back and can’t see me embarrass myself. I hurry to school before I do something else dumb, with a numb sensation tickling up my arms and legs. I devour the croissant Ben gave me before math starts and portion out the drink to lunch even though it turns lukewarm. 

I feel kind of weird the rest of the day, light and airy but also worried for some reason. Why did he give me breakfast? It must be because he feels sorry for me being a foster kid or something.

But then he kissed me? And sent me a good morning-text? Only couples send each other good morning-texts. I remember how happy Rose was when Finn started sending her those.

Ben’s also super-responsive today, to the point where I feel bad for not answering during classes and making him wait an hour between texts, but I think it’s part of his let’s-be-nice-to-the-foster-kid act. Not the first time someone totally changed their demeanor towards me after finding out about my parental situation.

At least Ben is being nice about it, but I don’t want pity-niceness, especially not from him. I only want to be treated normally, like everyone else who has parents who love them. It’s unfair I have to deal with this shit because my mom missed that fucking memo, not to mention the asshole who fathered me.

I’m semi-irritated when last period starts, quickly getting bored with my essay for English and opening a snap from Ben. It’s a picture of a white lecture hall, smack full of people with a blurry figure at the whiteboard pointing to some graph.

_classes until 7 today :/_

I check to see if my teacher is looking before snapping a close up selfie so I won’t get my classmates in the picture.

**y :/? dont u like ur classes?**

I can’t tell if he’ll read it as sassy or neutral but I also kind of don’t care. I’m just the token foster kid to him now.

_wanted 2 see u again 2nite_

Oh. _Oh._

**tomorrow?**

I send back, still desperate for a repeat of last night. Should I be? Is pity-kissing a thing? He didn’t know I was a foster kid when he kissed me the first time though.

_same thing :( wednesday?_

I huff and smile reading the text on the bottom of the snap he sent me, quickly taking a photo to send back.

 **I get off early on wednesdays** 😋

+++

I’m nervous on Wednesday. Anything could happen. We could kiss again, or _more_.

Or nothing at all could happen. Or something bad could happen and he’ll never talk to me again.

I root around in my backpack to have something to do, checking over for the fifth time I have all my books I need for homework tonight.

“Hi Rey!” Sahara from Bio says as she walks by the entrance to the library. I told Ben I needed to get a book so he wouldn’t come to the school, thinking it would be more incognito if he picked me up from here. Obviously not. Sahara doesn’t stop to chat though. I stare at her back as she walks into the library and disappears.

A loud car horn interrupts my weird staring and I jump before snapping my eyes to road to see what idiot is honking. It take me a second to recognize Ben’s SUV and his pale hand waving to me. Oh. I’m the idiot.

“Hi.” I say shyly as I get into the passenger seat, Ben’s head turned to his side window to watch when he can pull back out into the traffic lane.

“What’s up? How was school?” He says, still not looking at me and I remind myself not to stare at him like a creep.

“Ah- uhm, it was fine. I have some big tests coming up so that kind of sucks.” I say.

“Oh shit, yeah I have finals soon too.” He says turning to face me quickly before turning back to the road. “You look cute.” He says and if I wasn’t blushing already I am now.

“Thanks.” I get out, heart rate speeding up. This man has better effect on my sympathetic nervous system than adrenalin. “You too.” I drum up the courage to say.

“Yeah?” He says in an amused tone and glances at me with that crooked smile on his lips.

He does look cute today, olive t-shirt showing off his big arms and black jeans. I peer down to the pedals and he’s got grey Air Jordan’s, nice shoes. Rose always says you can tell if a boy knows how to dress by his shoes.

“Yeah.” I double down with a slightly wobbly tone he grins at, making me feel embarrassed for some reason. He’s a weirdo sometimes, but in a good way.

I manage to muster up enough social skills to prompt him to tell me about his day so far, and I listen to his smooth, deep voice on the way to our vantage point. He parks the car while telling me about the 'ass professor' in some class he takes, being slightly disappointed when he opens the compartment to pull out a joint.

I kind of didn’t want to smoke today. I kind of wanted to make out but I’m too shy and insecure to initiate so we continue talking about his college as we smoke.

“But like, is it a good university?” I ask and he snorts, making me laugh. “You’re making it seem so shit I don’t know if I want to go there anymore!” I giggle as he finishes the roach and rolls down the window to chuck it out.

“I think it’s a federal crime to call that dump a university,” he laughs and I giggle harder. We’re both high. “but yeah, it’s not that bad. Kind of good professors and courses for what it is.” He finishes and the car grows silent.

We just stare at each other, taking turns to flick our gazes up and down the other.

“Wanna make out?” I say with a sly smile, half-joking, or at least in a way I could brush off as joke if he rejects me. He snorts at the question and I giggle, not as crushed as I thought I’d be.

But then he leans over and for once my brain picks up on signals that usually go over my head and we meet in the middle, lips colliding in closed mouth kisses.

I have to crane my neck outwards and upwards and Ben keeps switching the angle he kisses me from. I pull back when the strain on my neck muscles turn to pain.

“Do you want to—“

“Want to sit in—“

We say in unison and laugh again.

“Get in the back.” He says and the tone he uses makes my stomach flip. I get out and quickly get in the backseat, expecting him to come in from the door closest to the driver seat, but he rounds the hood and opens my door to bring the seat forward. Oh, of course.

I scoot further in when he opens the back seat door and climbs in next to me.

“Sorry, I’m tall.” He blurts out before connecting our lips again, hands coming up to cup my face. I put my hands around his wrists, removing them momentarily so I can crawl over and straddle his lap.

“Don’t be sorry.” I breathe out before kissing him hard, pressing my upper body to his wide chest.

He groans and opens his mouth to let my tongue in his mouth. He tastes like weed and tobacco again and I wonder what he tastes like without smoking. In the shitty teen romance novels I read the guy always says the girl’s kiss tastes sweet like honey or some berry or cheesy stuff like that.

I bet Ben tastes like gold, because that’s what I feel like when I kiss him; golden.

His arms come around me, hands resting on my waist and occasionally squeezing so hard his fingers touch. It makes me feel so small, but in a perverted way, because every time he does it a thrill of pleasure runs to my core.

He groans in the back of his throat and moves his hands down to my hips, putting enough pressure on them to make them move forward and I feeling something hard against the crotch of my jeans.

I whimper at the friction and he groans deliciously and pushes my hips forward again, and again, and again — then he removes one of his hands and grabs the back of my head to press his tongue deep into my mouth with frantic need.

I keep canting my hips against his hard dick on my own, chasing that acute angle where it rubs against _that_ spot, over – what, four layers of clothes? It’s hard to know exactly because I’m too busy trying to keep up with his tongue and how warm his chest is against mine, and how hard he’s gripping my hip and the way he—

“Ah!” I moan out loud as he thrusts upwards and hits the spot just right.

“You like that?” He growls and the hand on the back of my head into my hair, holding it by the roots to keep me nose to nose with him.

I bob my head in a nod, which is painful because of his grip in my hair, but it adds on the familiar build of pleasure between my legs.

He holds me there, a panting, writhing mess as his lips wander over my jawline and down to my throat, sucking and nibbling on the sensitive skin there. He's definitely leaving marks, but who cares. I’m too busy moaning, even though it’s starting to sound a little pornish.

With an animalistic growl that by itself makes me moan, he lets go of my hair and shoves his tongue in my mouth. Trying to concentrate on the kiss my hip movements slowly decrease until they die out all together and I’m just sitting on him, receiving slow, deep, wet kisses.

He breaks off with a deep exhale and I rest my forehead on his, trying to catch my breath and regain some sort of composure.

“That was…”I start leaning back to look at him.

“Nice?” He finishes for me with a smug smile on his face.

“Nice.” I repeat with a breathless laugh and he catches my lips again.

+++

“Oh, fuck.” I mumble at my reflection the next morning. I lean closer to the mirror to inspect the three quite large reddish bruises on my neck. I have P.E. today, meaning I have to wear my hair up and everyone will see. I can’t exactly run in a turtle neck - fucking shit.

Oh whatever, who cares. There’s like ten people in the whole school that know my name, no one’s going to give a shit.

And I kind of like it, too. Marks from _him_.

I blush thinking back to how I shamelessly humped him, in the back of his car no less. I finish my make up and snap a picture of it to send to him.

**look what u did to me!!**

I run around the apartment getting my stuff together for school, leaving my phone in my room so I won’t check it every five seconds. When I’m ready to leave I unplug it from my charger and a snap from him is waiting for me.

_hahah u liked it when i did it tho ;)_

Oh my god, why am I horny at 7:25 in the morning. I hate Ben.

 **maybe i did ;)** ****

We keep texting throughout the day like we started doing the last two days. Good morning and good night texts. Make out sessions in his car. I’m on cloud nine, honestly.

“What is that?!” Rose _shouts_ after P.E. when I take off my top. No one noticed when we were changing before or during the lesson, or at least they didn’t say anything. The girls closest to us all turn at the sound of her shocked voice.

“Jesus, don’t yell.” I mutter and quickly take out my ponytail to hide the bruises with my hair. Rose’s face changes into a smug smile and comes over to brush my hair away again.

“Oh, so that’s what you’re doing up in the woods with your colleague.” Rose teases, but too loud again, and I start getting irritated. “So? Who is he? Can you show me a picture?” She yaps on and I roll my eyes.

“I don’t have any pictures of him.” I mumble, yanking off my shorts and turning to face the locker before pulling off my sports bra. “And he’s not my colleague.” I admit sheepishly, wrapping a towel around myself before shimmying out of my panties.

“Oh?” Rose says and I squeeze my eyes shut.

“He’s in college, he works at 7-Eleven.” I say fast and walk over to sink down onto the bench.

“7-Eleven?” Rose echoes with a surprised look on her face. I roll my eyes again; of course that’s what she’d get hung up on.

“See this is why I didn’t tell you!” I say and get up.

“What, I didn’t mean anything by it!” She protests as I walk past her, heading to showers alone. I rinse off quickly, as one does in gross school showers, and Rose is gone when I come back to get dressed again.

I’m clipping on my bra when she comes back in a towel, the ends of her hair wet and dripping water down her shoulders.

“Look I’m sorry, but you don’t need to be mad.” She says after I refuse to make eye contact with her. I huff and shove a leg in my jeans.

“I’m not mad.” I’m annoyed. I'm maybe overreacting a little bit.

“Okay, good!” Rose says enthusiastically, ever wanting to smooth things over as soon as possible. “So what’s his name?” She says in a lower voice, stating to dress herself. I only hesitate for half a second, and then I turn to face her encouraging smile.

“Ben.” I say and watch as her smile widens.

“Oouh, Ben. And he’s in college?” She pries carefully.

“He’s getting a Business degree.” I say trying to sound a little nicer, knowing that’ll impress her.

“Oh, cool! Is he a freshman or…?”Rose asks and my face drops. “A sophomore?” She says with a harsher tone.

“No, he’s a freshman, but…he's actually twenty-two.”

“ _Twenty-two?!”_ Rose yells and I shush her.

“It’s not that old, relax.” I say fast, not wanting to hear her critique. “You don’t even know him.”

“I sure don’t, but do you?” She says and I glare her way before throwing on my shirt.

“Better than you.” I say even though that’s fucking obvious and doesn’t make sense really.

“That’s clear.” She says and looks pointedly to my neck and I _humph_ in irritation. “I’m just worried about you, Rey." She says in a softer tone I can't stand. "Do you really think it’s a good idea to get involved with someone five years older than you? Five years is a lot for people our age.”

God, does she have to be so analytical about everything? Why is she lecturing me about this like I haven’t thought the exact same thing already?

“Do you really think I’m dumb enough to get groomed by some creep? He’s obviously a good person, otherwise I wouldn’t hang out with him.” I throw back at her and Rose sighs.

“That’s not what I meant, Rey. I just don’t want see you get hurt.” She says, and I know that too. I shrug, not knowing what to say and wanting this conversation to be over. I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place. 

“Besides, maybe it’s not the best idea to get involved with someone right now. We have our final assignments soon and I know you always worry before big tests, so maybe you should focus on that.” Rose says, eyes flicking over my face to try and read my reaction. Her face drops as mine twist into an angry grimace, shooting daggers at her with my hazel eyes.

“Why?” I ask in a venomous voice. “It’s not like I’m going to Brown with you and Finn, anyway.” I slam my locker shut and pick up my bag.

“Rey…”She says but I’m already on my way.

“I’ll see you later.” I huff, leaving before she can leave me.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tysm for all the lovely messages!!🥺🥺 it really inspired me to finish this lol <33
> 
> tw: light reference to self harm, but no actual SH (nor will there be in this story)  
> \+ more scenes of (foster)parental abuse

Rose and I pretend that nothing happened yesterday, but it’s still kind of tense between us.

“You coming to the game on Friday, Rey?” Finn asks during lunch and I shake my head no. I don’t feel like sitting in silence next to Rose for two hours, or getting ‘advice’ about Ben again.

“I need to catch up on some assignments.” I lie. Rose makes a face but hides it behind a slurp from her thermos of coffee.

“There’s a party at Simon’s house if you want to come later?” Finn offers and I try not to frown.

“I’ll probably pick up a shift at work, but thanks for inviting me.” I say in a weak voice and try to smile. I really don’t want to go to a party when Rose and I are fighting, especially not to one Poe probably will show up to.

“Oh, okay! Just text me if you change your mind.” Finn says showing off his perfect white teeth. Okay? Like I wouldn’t text Rose rather, even if we are ‘disagreeing’ right now.

+++

I listen to _Cigarettes After Sex_ on the way home from school, which unsurprisingly does not put me in a better mood. I barely walk ten feet from the bus stop when my phone _dings_ with a message from Ben.

_i see u_

I look up from the screen and see his huge form waving at me from across the road. He’s dressed in his work clothes and smoking a cigarette in front of the entrance to the store.

“Hey.” I say as stop in front of him, instantly flustered when he leans down and leaves a peck on my lips. It’s not the first time he kisses me, obviously, but we’re out on the street where people can see. I wonder if the people passing by us think we’re together.

“You just get out of school?” He asks running a hand through his shiny hair to push back a stray stand of hair that makes him look unfairly attractive.

“Yeah, it was kind of shit today.” I say and look away. It really wasn’t that bad, and I don’t even think Rose is mad at me, but I can’t stand it when I feel like I make people disappointed.

I’ve been nauseous with anxiety all day. One of many of ‘fun quirks’ I have.

“That sucks.” He says with a sympathetic frown and lifts a hand to rub my upper arm. “You want a brownie?” He asks with a playful smile.

“Always.” I smile back.

Ben finishes his cigarette and I follow him into the store, complaining about my English teacher and the final assignment she’s given us that’s really not that bad. He rounds the counter and looks back at where I stopped at the register, brows furrowed as I over exaggerate the work load.

“I’m going to try and get most of it done on Friday.” I sigh, hoping he’ll ask me to hang out instead.

“Mhh. I’m going back home this weekend, otherwise I could’ve helped you out with the essay if you wanted to.” He says as he walks to hand me the dessert over the register.

“Oh, that’s nice of you.” I say and nibble on a corner. I don’t actually need help with English, but I mean I kind of made it seem like it with my whining, and it’s nice of him to offer.

“Are you doing anything special at home?” I ask as he plants his elbows on the counter, knitting his fingers together and leaning down to rest his chin on them, watching me intently. The afternoon sun hits his face at an angle, turning his chocolate eyes to pools of amber, and I’m close enough to see there’s a ring of moss green lining his pupils. Pretty.

“No.” He breathes out with a laugh. “It’s my dad’s birthday though, so I couldn’t bail. We’re probably gonna go to the country club and have steak, like we do every year.”

“Steak sounds nice though.” I say and chomp off another piece.

“You like steak?” He perks up at that. What, is it weird if I do? I’ve never really had steak. But it’s like every guy’s favorite dish, so it must be good, right?

“I don’t know actually, I don’t think I’ve ever eaten it.” I say, eyeing my brownie. I should slow down and let Ben have some.

“You’ve _never_ had steak?” He asks in disbelief and I shake my head no, laughing at his horrified face. “We gotta change that. I’m taking you out for steak when finals are over.”

A smile blooms across my face. “I mean I won’t say no to that.” I say and take another bite of the brownie from the excitement. He wants to take me out…like on a date?

“You better not.” He says in that tone that makes my stomach flip. There’s not a trace of the playful smile left on his face as he looks at me with blank eyes. Then he winks and flashes his sharp teeth in a big smile, laughing at my stunned face. This man will be the death of me, I swear.

“Don’t you want a piece?” I ask with a mouth full of brownie to switch the subject before I turn red.

“Nah, I’m cutting.” He says and I almost choke.

“Cutting?” I yell back at him, and he laughs again when my eyes dart to his exposed underarms.

“Cutting calories, Reyby. Don’t worry.” He says putting his big hand over mine, smoothing his thumb over the back of my hand. _Oooh_ , my god.

“Why are you cutting calories?” I still don’t really know what he means, but I assume it’s about cutting down on calories.

“It’s a way to build muscles, first you bulk to gain mass and then you cut to define them.” He explains with a shrug and removes his hand from mine to run it through his hair.

“Aha.” I’m pretty sure I’ve heard Finn talk about bulking before.

“Gotta get my beach body ready.” He says with another wink and I repress a snort. As if he isn’t sculpted like a greek god under that uniform.

“Maybe I should too.” I accidentally say out loud, looking at the third of the brownie that’s left. Ben catches my hand in his again, and pressing it lightly to make me meet his eyes.

“You’re perfect already though.” He says with a hungry smile and I pray to Baby Jesus that my hand won’t get clammy. I open my mouth to speak when the door _pings_ open and we both turn our heads to look at the person interrupting this _astonishing_ moment.

“Is flirting with girls all you do on the clock?” The guy stepping in snaps in a harsh tone, and Ben lets go of my hand to straighten to his full, daunting height. I see his shoulders tense a bit as he scowls at the guy, who only _humphs_ at us and then walks to the back.

“Fucking asshole.” Ben mutters as I simultaneously think the exact same thing. He sighs and looks down with a shadow of a frown on his lips. “I shouldn’t keep you from studying any longer, I know you have a lot to do right now.” He regretfully says, facial expression still tense.

Right. “Um, yeah I should get going. I’ll see you…?”

“I get back Sunday afternoon, if you want to hang out after work?” He asks bashfully, like that isn’t the only ting I want in the whole world.

+++

“Good luck at the game, Finn.” I say in a meek voice before leaving school on Friday. Finn’s face lights up like a child seeing presents under the tree on Christmas morning. Rose and I share a look and try not to giggle.

“Thanks, Rey! Let me know if you change your mind about the party.” He says with a big smile. God, how can someone be so happy all the time?

I wish I had that problem.

I go to the library and sit there and study until 7PM, getting quite a lot of stuff done. I text Henry if they need help tonight, but only get a rude ‘don’t come in’. I finish all my weekly tasks, catching up on Chemistry and Physics, then typing away at my English essay.

Ben said I could email it to him and he could review it before I hand it in. I usually only do that with Rose, but it means I’m going to get his email.

Then I’ll have his number, his snapchat and his email. That has to mean something, right?

There’s only the conclusion left, and I’ll try to finish it and send it to him tomorrow. He said that would be okay. My stomach growls so I bite the bullet and decide to head home. Hopefully Unkar is out and stays out until I fall asleep tonight.

“Hello?” I shout when I step into the apartment. Silence. Only peeling wallpaper and stained linoleum are there to greet me. Score.

I snack on one of apples from the three pound bag I bought for school lunches as I fry up some bacon and chopped onions for pasta. It’s almost nine-thirty when I sit down to inhale my food, pulling up my phone for company. I have two messages waiting for me apparently.

Rose is on the top, and I click on hers first, saving Ben’s like it’s a treat or something.

 _i had to hang out with the WAGs since u ditched me tonight_ 😤🙄

_we going to the mall tomorrow fyi_

_pick u up after work bby_ 😘

I twist an obscene amount of pasta on to my fork as I type out a reply to Rose. Chomping down on my overfilled fork I click on Ben’s name.

_lmaooo my train got cancelled_

**oh no :( what happened?**

_faulty lines or some shit_

_it’s ok tho, i’ll just take the morning train instead_

**okay, that’s good :)**

I finish my food waiting for him to respond. When he doesn’t I type out another message to try and scope out what his plans are until then. Maybe we can make out—hang out, I mean.

**wyd tonight then?**

_Hux is dragging me to some frat_

_probably gonna go straight to the station from the party lol_

Oh. That sounds…fun? Horrible actually, I’d rather shoot myself in the foot then stay up all night and show up drunk to catch a train, but each to their own.

I send another cringy ‘enjoy your night’ he doesn’t even respond to. I clean up after myself, and the mess Unkar left behind too.

I go into the bathroom and put a bowl on the toilet lid, queueing up some songs on my phone before placing it in the bowl that instantly amplifies the music. Poor man’s speaker.

I take a scalding hot shower, humming along to the music as I wash my hair and body, reaching for my razor when I'm all lathered up.

“ _Rey_! Get out the bathroom!” Unkar shouts and the razor clatters to the shower floor. The music must have drowned out the sound of him coming in. He bangs on the door impatiently and I hurry to rise off the soap.

“I’m going!” I shout back annoyed. I wrap myself in a towel and pick up my bowl with my phone, almost getting hit in the face when he flings the door open immediately after I twist the lock.

“Like a fuckin’ sauna in here, runnin’ up my damn water bill!” He grunts as he pushes past me and I flee to my room. I dress in long pajama pants and a jumper, ignoring how the clothes stick to my still wet skin.

I hear him groan in relief as he relieves himself, disgusted at the fact that he didn’t even close the bathroom door. I stand in a corner of my room, listening to the jingle of his belt and the thumps of his steps as he walks through the apartment, rooting around and cussing to himself.

Seems like he might be going again. He usually gets out of his clothes and goes straight to the couch if he’s planning on staying in for the evening. But you never know with Unkar.

“Where the fuck- _Rey_!” He yells and I stare at my closed door.

“Yeah?” I call back. Silence. I decide to go out before he comes into my room.

“Where’s my fuckin’ wallet?” He swears as he pulls open every drawer in the kitchen. Not this again. I turn to make the tour of places he usually forgets he puts it.

“Probably not in the fucking cutlery drawer.” I mutter under my breath, checking the hallway and his jacket to see if it’s there.

“Maybe you left it in on of your pants?” I yell after he drops something that slams so loud it sounds like a hurricane is tearing through the kitchen.

“Left it in my pants, like I’m some fuckin’ idiot. Didn’t leave it in my pants, fuckin’ stupid…” He grumbles to himself but wobbles down the hallway to his room nonetheless.

I take the opportunity to go into the living room and check the TV-stand that’s not a TV-stand, but an old dresser he got from the side of the road. I’m not allowed touch the drawers of it because he keeps his ‘important documents’ there and doesn’t want my ‘grubby little hands’ going through it.

Nine out of ten times his wallet is in one of the top drawers, the rest of them are just filled with junk. Of course, today it’s not. I hear him coming down the hall again and slowly close the drawer I’m looking through so he won’t hear me, moving over to the coffee table to lift all the shit he’s stacked on it.

“Don’t be going through the TV-stand!” He yells when he comes in, even though I’m on my knees in front of the coffee table.

“I don’t.” I say in a cold tone and his eyes narrow. He mutters more insults under his breath as he walks over to go through the drawers where the wallet won’t be. My stomach twists in angst as I finish looking through the coffee table. It’s not here either. Where did he put the stupid thing?

He’s getting louder over by the TV, jamming his fists in drawers now and slamming them shut with loud _smacks._ I uselessly look under the table, heart sinking and anxiety rising when it’s not there either.

“Son of a bitch!” Unkar yells and I flinch. My eyes almost begin to blur with tears when I see it, half tucked under the couch next to a pair of discarded pants.

“Here!” I yell and crawl under the table to reach it.

As I back out with the cursed thing there’s a sharp kick to the side of my thigh. The blow twists my body and I land on my side halfway out from under the table, banging my head in the process. Unkar grunts as he crouches next to me and rips the thing from my hand.

I don’t crawl out from under the table until I hear him slam the door behind him.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooouuuuhhh

I wake up at six on Saturday morning and I can’t go back to sleep. Unkar is snoring loudly in his room and I lay staring at the ceiling for almost half an hour before I reach for my phone. Ben never texted me back, but he snapped me almost a minute worth of short videos of him and his friends getting increasingly more drunk during the night.

I smile weakly, flattered until I scroll to the story-section and seeing he posted almost all of them to his story too. Except one that I didn’t get. Someone else is filming him and that pink-haired girl doing tequila shots, arms hooked holding a lemon each. Their faces are centimeters apart when they bite down in unison on their lemon slices, tongues almost touching when they lick the salt from their hands.

Well, they’re defiantly fucking, I think to myself as the rest of the videos play, finishing with a picture of the barren train station with a timestamp of 4:33.

I fling my cover off me, listening to my heartbeat as anger and disappointment rush over me in waves that ebb out into self-loathing and numbness. I go for a run to try and clear my head.

+++

Work takes my mind off it, but I feel worse than I usual when I have to say no to Vanessa asking me to stay on an hour longer. She gives me a sour look and sighs dramatically. Instead of getting irritated at her like normally I feel guilty.

Rose is parked out front, hanging out of the driver seat window and honks when she sees me.

“Get in loser, we’re going shopping!” She yells and I have to smile.

“How was the party at Simon?” I ask when I’m buckled up and we’re pulling out of the parking lot.

“Ugh, so boring. You didn’t miss a thing, unless you count Finn getting drunk off his ass.” She says with a shake of her head. “How was studying?”

“I’m 90% done with my English essay.” I say and stare at the cars around us, jealous of all the people who can drive themselves.

“Oh shit, yeah that’s due on Wednesday right? I might have to pull an all-nighter for that. Do you want me to check it over for you before you hand it in?” Rose asks, expertly handling the manual gear. The Tico’s are a stick household.

“Yeah, if you have time.” I say sheepishly, greedily. Rose gets A’s on her all-nighters anyway. Ben and his help are out the window.

“Duh, of course.” She laughs over the new _Dua Lipa_ song blaring from the radio. I’m glad I have someone like Rose, someone whose offer is always a given and I don’t feel guilty getting help from.

“Oh my god, this one thing happened though…” Rose says and starts telling me how Finn and Poe got into an argument and started wrestling on Simon’s deck. Poe ended up falling in the pool and was so mad he refused help from anyone, including Simon’s offer of a change of clothes.

“Then he just walked all the way home soaking wet, you should have seen it Rey.” She laughs and I join in. She ends up telling me how the whole night went, which I appreciate because I still had some FOMO even though I declined the offer.

Especially after this morning, seeing how Ben’s night turned out. I have this bitter feeling that I would’ve handled it better if I had been out too, also had the chance to post something that would make him equally jealous. Not that he _would_ get jealous even, but still. Maybe that makes me a bad person.

Rose is hunting jewelry, but I follow her into clothing stores too.

“This would look good on you.” She says and pulls out a floral mini-dress from Nordstrom. I scoff, coming up to feel the fabric and touch the short sleeves and straight neckline. “Would be cute for date.” She says and I put it back on the rack.

“Mhh, fat chance.” I say and sigh. Rose watches me with cautious interest.

“How’s it going with that Ben guy?” She tries and I roll my eyes as we walk out of the store.

“It’s not.” I huff and I watch a flurry of emotions play over Rose’s face. I hesitate; knowing her judgment on the current situation could sway me to drive the final nail in the coffin on this whole Ben-thing. “It’s just like…I don’t know, he’s really sweet to me, and we text daily and we’ve like, made out twice in his car.”

Rose looks scandalized, like she doesn’t make me sleep in her room so she can fuck Finn in the basement when I stay over after parties.

“And he said he wanted to take me out after finals but then…”

“Then what?”

“Look.” I say, her head ducking into my personal space to watch his story on snapchat. I press on the video of him doing the shot with the girl so it replays over and over.

“Is that him? Damn, he’s built like a goddamn brick shithouse. How tall is he?”

“Like 6”3.” I say and I hum in agreement at her shocked expression. “But that’s not it, look at what he’s doing!”

Rose shrugs, which kind of surprises me. “She could be just some rando he’s doing a shot with.”

“Would you do a shot like that with some rando?”

“Hell no. I’d only do that with you or Finn.”

“Exactly” I say and sigh. I already know what she is to him in my heart. And it sucks.

“Well, ask him about it! It’s better to find out how it is than wasting more time on him if he’s hooking up with other girls. And they might just be friends.” Rose advices, like she doesn’t know that I am physically unable to confront people. I wrinkle my nose at her last comment.

Boys like Ben are not just friends with girls like her. She’s cuter than me too, which fucking sucks but her outfit was trash. At least I have that on her. Who even dyes their hair pink anymore? That’s so 2012 tumblrina, which doesn’t seem like Ben’s type at all.

“Come on, let’s go into Forever 21.” Rose says and pulls me into the store. We buy matching tube tops, baby blue for me and pink for Rose. I also splurge on a purple milkmaid dress, I 100% would have been a peasant if I was born in the 18th century anyway, and it looks cute on me.

Ben texts me when we sit down to have burritos in the food court, and Rose proudly pats my arm when I put my phone back in my pocket, ignoring him.

+++

_r we still on today?_

We fucking better be. The message lights up my screen hidden behind the bar counter, and I type out a response before Henry catches me on my phone

**ofc! 💙**

He doesn’t deserve a red heart. I text Rose that plan _Hot Girl Confrontation_ is in action. She came up with the name, and most of the plan.

“You should dress up real sexy when you ask him about the other girl. Show him what he’s missing out on if he’s fucking around behind your back.” She’d said as we finished our burritos last night.

I was…intrigued. I don’t really do sexy, but I need to at least _feel_ like I look good when he breaks my heart. It’s so stupid, we’re not even close to dating and I really shouldn’t care if he’s with someone else.

But I do. And I shouldn’t see him anymore if he’s with her, and I know Rose wouldn’t let me if that’s the case. I also know I can call Rose after he drops me off tonight, so I can bawl into the phone about him, and she’ll call him an asshole. Rose really is the best.

I finish my shift and occupy the locker room for twenty minutes, touching up on the make up look I usually reserve for parties, coating my lips in a fresh layer of lip-gloss and combing out my hair. It’s shiny and straight; it always looks the best the day after I wash it.

I wiggle into my high waisted black jeans and squeeze into the tube top I got yesterday. There’s quite a lot of midriff on display, the jeans coming up just under my belly button and the top is shorter than I remember. Oopsie.

I fiddle around with the strapless bra before deciding to unhook it and go braless. The faintest outline of my nipples show through the thin fabric. Guys like that right?

 _you’re so pretty_ 😍😍 _go get him girl!_

Rose answers to the full body picture I send her of the finished product. I walk out of the restaurant with perfect posture, pushing my chest out even more when I register his eyebrows raising as he sees me.

“Hey.” He rasps when I come up to hug him, wrapping my hands around his neck and resting my chin on his shoulder so his kiss lands on my cheek instead of on my lips. I try not to grin when I pull back, his dark eyes darting up and down my body. Plan _HGC_ is looking successful so far.

“How was the train?” I ask, smacking gum as he opens the passenger door for me and mumbles a response. I connect my phone to his speaker as he rounds the car, pushing play on _Best Thing I Never Had_ by Beyonce as he climbs in.

“You look good today.” He says, his head snapping back and forth between me and the road as I scroll through instagram. “I mean, you always look good.” He corrects himself quickly.

“Thanks.” I say smiling without looking up, switching apps to text Rose. “Did you have a good time back home?” I ask and he starts recounting the weekend with his parents, going into unnecessary detail before cutting himself off, fingers drumming on the steering wheel nervously. I know there’s a smug smile on my face, very pleased with the effect I seem to be having on him. I even feel _determined_ to ask him about the girl now.

He parks at the viewpoint as I hum along to _IDGAF,_ finally looking up at him after waiting a full minute for him to continue his story. I catch him staring at my chest and watch his cheeks flush with a slight pink tone.

“Do you like my top?” I ask coyly and he clears his throat.

“No, I was looking at your necklace.” He says and reaches over to finger the pendant, eyes dropping lower still. “It’s nice, where did you get it?”

I look down at my phone again, which is a little harder with his arm in the way. “My mom gave it to me.” I say chewing my gum and scrolling through the same pictures on my instagram feed.

“Oh.” He says and lets go of it slowly. “What’s with your parents anyway?”

I shrug. I don’t really talk about them with anyone, not even Rose, but there’s no feelings of shame and sadness sending ice up my veins like usual as Ben asks me.

“We don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to.” He says in a softer tone and I wrinkle my nose.

“It’s fine. They’re probably dead in a ditch somewhere, I don’t know. I haven’t heard from mom in a couple of years.”

“Oh.” Mhh-hm. “What about your dad?” He asks.

“He bailed pretty early on, I don’t even remember him.” I say in a matter of fact tone.

“I’m sorry.” He says and I lock my phone and put it away.

“Don’t be, they were shit parents anyway.” I say and in that moment I’m not sorry either. Why should I care about two people who literally gave me away? I mean I do, that’s why I’m so fucked up, but here in the car with Ben I really can’t conjure up anything other than indifference as I think about mom and dad.

“Did you bring a jay?” I break the silence and Ben snaps out of his own thoughts and opens up the pocket in the mid-console.

+++

“You’re quiet today.” Ben says forty minutes later and I look up from the snap Rose sent me. Finn’s rubbing her feet, face turned to the TV and unaware of being filmed. He’s so whipped, it’s funny.

“Hm? Oh sorry, my friend was just texting me.” I say and put my phone away, slightly annoyed that he can tell the difference from what’s my normal behavior and what’s not. I’ve been going over casual ways to bring up the pink haired-girl in my head and must have forgotten to talk.

“How was the party on Friday?” I say out of nowhere, suddenly eager to get it over with.

“Not worth the hangover I had the next day. Pro-tip; don’t show up to catch your train drunk. I fell asleep and almost missed my stop.” He laughs. No shit. “I need to show you something.” He says and squirms around in his seat to get his phone out of his pocket.

“Check this out.” He says and rests his elbow on the mid-console, leaning on his side toward me. I lean in too, putting my head next to his as he scrolls though his camera roll. My heart sinks when I see he’s saved the video of him and the girl doing the shot.

He watches my reaction as he clicks on the video next to it, a ginger guy kneeling on the floor holding a beer funnel as drunken voices shout at him in the background.

“That’s Hux, he’s such a dumbass.” Ben chuckles.

This Hux guy raises the funnel and puts his lips to the tube, cheeks instantly inflating and he coughs, the tube slipping from his hand and drenching him and the floor in beer.

“ _You fucking idio_ t!” Ben yells in the video as a feminine laugh erupts. The video is turned around, and there’s that pink haired-girl again, cackling into the camera.

“ _He’s not going home with me tonight, I swear!_ ” She laughs and the video cuts off after Hux protests at this. My heart races.

“Who’s that?” I say, pointing at the frozen image of her.

“That’s Marnie, Hux’s girlfriend.” He says pulling up the next video. “She can drink like a fucking horse, look we did tequila shots.” My head swims, heart elated, wings soaring if I had any.

“I bet one fourloko would knock you out.” Ben says and brings his free hand around my thigh and squeezes hard, a boyish grin playing on his lips.

“Ow! I hate fourlokos!” I complain and try to get his hand off me. The phone is chucked aside and then his lips are on mine. I wrap my arms around his neck to pull him closer, opening my mouth to let him in.

“Want to get in the back?” He asks instead, hungry eyes traveling down my front.

I snap my mouth shut and giggle. “Yes.”

I straddle him again as he gives me sloppy kisses that stop time. Only Ben and I exist when we’re in the back of his car, pressing against each other.

I inhale sharply when his hands travel over the top of my thighs, fingers grazing over the big bruise Unkar gave me. Reality trickles back into my mind with the pain, memories of last night flash in my mind and the disgust and hate associated with Unkar makes it hard to enjoy Ben’s kisses.

Desperate to stay in the cocoon of pleasure and fluttering heartbeats, I grab Ben’s hands to place them on my boobs.

He moans my name and starts kneading my small breasts. They fill out my palms, but Ben’s hands are so much bigger. He seems to like them well enough though, forehead furrowed and lips parted as he watches my reaction to his ministrations. He lets his thumb gently stroke over my nipple and I shudder.

“Do you want to see them?” I whisper in a hoarse voice, already pulling my top down as he nods, because _I_ want _him_ to see them.

“Fuck baby, you’re so hot.” He says with a pained voice, hands so warm I gasp as they come up to cup my breasts again. I wish he’d stroke his thumb over my nipple again, stiff and exposed in the air. I wish he would pinch and roll them like I do when I touch myself but I don’t know how to ask him.

I don’t have too. His head shoots forward to engulf a nipple, soft lips coming to suckle at the pink peak. I moan, embarrassingly loud, and he growls and moves his left hand to my hip, grinding me down against the hard length in his pants.

“ _Ah_ , Ben!” I squeak as he _bites me_ before releasing my nipple with pop, going directly to its twin on the other side. He rocks me against his cock and my small whines increase to a crescendo as he brings me to something similar to an orgasm.

He licks his lips as he straightens from my breasts, and I fall forward onto his chest, probably leaving wet stains on his t-shirt. He strokes my hair and the small of my back as we both try to catch out breath.

“ _Fuck_.” He says in a breathless laugh that turns to a chuckle. Soon his whole chest is rumbling, me with it and I pull back to look at him, unable to keep from smiling too.

“What?” I ask but he only shakes his head with a toothy grin, pressing a kiss to my lips to silence any further questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FOMO = fear of missing out if anyone is wondering bc i didn't know wtf it was lmao


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long boii ALSO sorry 4 the smut in advance lmao

“You’re in a good mood today.” Finn says during Monday lunch. I look to Rose, who grins back at me and bumps her shoulder to mine.

“Rey has a boyfriend.” She teases in a sing-songy voice, like we’re eleven and not seventeen.

“No I don’t.” I bite back, the big smile on my face saying something different.

Not yet. Maybe soon, which is so strange to think. I always thought I’d be too messed up to actually find someone who could tolerate me, even less like me.

Ben still hasn’t asked me out officially—but I mean, we’re definitely in the pre-stage of dating. Even Rose seems to think so, and she’s good at picking up on stuff like that. Plus, the pink haired girl turned out to be his best friend’s girlfriend.

Maybe, when I come back to school after summer, I won’t be single for the first time in my life. Maybe I won’t be a virgin when I start senior year. The prospect of _that_ make my stomach flip and I press my thighs together under the lunch table.

+++

  
Our schedules don’t match this week, so we can’t see each other. I have my last Physics test on Thursday, and Chem on Friday so I study my ass off during the week. Ben has a deadline on Monday, so he can’t see me during the weekend.

We text though, and he starts ending all his texts with blue hearts. We’re so close to dating I can almost taste it. I’m already planning out or future dates in my head; the steak dinner, a picnic with strawberries, what movie we should watch the first time we go to the movies.

Still, doubt trickles in. Via Rose’s confirmation I can admit to myself that he seems interested in me, but he’s not particularly…romantic towards me either? We smoke weed and make out in the back of his car. He seems to like that— like it a fair bit, but what if that’s all he wants?

What if he just wants to sleep with me and nothing else? Sure, he’s not hooking up with Marnie, but I have no idea if he’s talking to other girls. What if he doesn’t want a serious relationship at all? It wouldn’t be weird – that’s the way college guys typically are, right?

Hump and dump to brag about their body count. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with casual sex, but I don’t want that. I want Ben; want us to be lovey-dovey like Rose and Finn, want him to want _me_.

It doesn’t help when he goes out on both Friday and Saturday, despite telling me he would need the whole weekend to study. I intermittently cram German and History alongside Math when I’m not at work, trying not to rewatch his stories every five minutes.

Whatever. I’m not going to fail math because of a boy, even if I can’t stop thinking about how big his dick felt through his pants. 

+++

  
When we have our last lecture in Math on Monday before the test on Friday I realize how fucked I am. I stay up until 1AM each night that week, trying to get in as much as I can in between the other subjects I also have tests on this week.   
  
Ben’s texts stay unanswered, except during the bus ride to and from school— I use our lunch periods to study too.

_ur getting like five hours of sleep each night_

_it’s not good rey_

He texts me on the bus ride home, when I feel like crying from the impending shitstorm tomorrow inevitably will turn out to be.

 **well it’ll be all over tomorrow anyway so** 🤷‍♀️

**along with my B average**

_get a full nights sleep tonight_

_u’ll only perform worse if u stay up, it’s a proven fact_

Okay? I have to have a bedtime when he stays out partying two nights in a row before a hand in? Saying stuff like that just stresses me out, because now I’ll feel bad for staying up to study—when I need to stay up to study.

 **ok thanks for the tip** 💙💙

I send back ironically but he doesn’t get it. He just sends a peppy message that I’m a smart girl and I’ve studied all week, and that’ll be enough and it’ll all work out. Anxiety creeps up into the hollow of my chest, a ghost fist squeezing cold fingers around my heart.

That just means when I get my grade back – which will be shit, I’ll look even more stupid.

Great!

I wake up at five the next morning by myself and go over the formulas one last time. I give up thirty minutes later, eyes brimmed with tears, when my alarm goes off and dedicate the extra half an hour to my morning routine to getting ready.

Ben is picking me up after school so I wear the purple mini-dress I bought with Rose. I put on mom’s necklace and a ring so I have something to fiddle with during the test.

I walk through the halls in school in a haze, almost walking right by the math classroom.

“Wow, you dressed up for the test! You look good, Rey.” Sahara says me and normally I’d be ecstatic receiving a compliment from another girl. They mean more because all boys do is lie.

I’m so wound up I clown instead of thanking her properly.

“Thanks, I wanted to look good for my funeral.” I answer back and Sahara and her friends laugh. We start talking how prepared we all are for the test, and it calms my nerves a bit when they all say they’re just as screwed as I am.

My phone dings right before the first bell rings.

 _good luck!_ 💙 _you’ll do great baby_ 💙

+++

I immediately feel better when I go into the hallway after handing in my test. I went through the E- and C-questions quicker than I expected, and I think I solve one of the three A-questions correctly, the other two I could at least write something on.

The day goes past in a flash, most of our teachers putting on a movie or just letting us chatter in class. It’s the last day of school after all, which I had forgotten until now.

We’re chatting about our summer plans with Finn and his friends outside of the entrance when someone taps me on my shoulder.

I whip my head around and am met by two pectoral muscles straining against a white dress shirt. I crane my neck up to see Ben grinning down at me, canines glinting in the sunshine.

“Hey.” He says and pulls me into a side hug and kissing on the top of my head. Oh shit, that’s right! He sent me a text asking where he should pick me up, and my dumbass just said school.

“Oh my god, hey!” I yell in his face, still shocked to see him here _._ “I’ll see you guys later, bye!” I get out in one breath, twisting around Ben and pulling him away by his wrist.

“Where did you park?” I ask fast, feeling eyes on us.

“What’s the hurry, don’t want me to meet your friends?” He chuckles and changes my grip so we’re holding hands. As if on cue, Finn wolf whistles behind us, following up with: “ _That’s a_ thick _slice of beef! Rey-Rey getting hers!”_

I _die_ from embarrassment; I must look like such a kid next to him right now. It doesn’t help that he’s dressed like a Wall Street guy and I have a backpack slung over one shoulder.

“That’s why.” I say and press on either side of the bridge of my nose. Ben chuckles, taking my backpack from me and throwing it over his shooulder. It looks tiny on him as he walks ahead of me to open the passenger door.

“Don’t worry about it.” My eye can’t help but drop to his butt before he turns to face me again. He should wear dress pants more often.

“You’re dressed nicely.” I say when he closes his door and starts the car.

“I just came from an interview, hence the banker-look.” He says with one hand on the wheel, gesturing to his shirt with his other hand. He’s slicked his hair back too, and it should make him look like a douche but he looks so hot I want him to shove his tongue down my throat.

“How did it go?” I ask, eyeing the thick veins coming down his exposed forearms where he has rolled up his sleeves.

“I got the internship. No more morning shifts at 7-Eleven, thank fuck.” He says causally with a blank face and I light up.

“What? Oh my god, that’s so good, Ben! Congratulations!” I reach over to touch his arm, and that seems to get him to smile. “I’m happy for you.” I beam, squeezing his bicep and he chuckles.

“It also means no more free brownies for you.” He says and my face drops momentarily.

“That’s okay, I can just get them myself.” I say cheerily and he snorts.

“I’m kidding. I’ll get you brownies whenever you want.” He says with a crooked smile. I lean over and plant a kiss on his cheek and the car swerves a little bit.

  
+++

He pulled me over in the driver seat as soon as we parked, not even pausing to smoke before hand.

He runs his hands up and down my ribs, mouth dropping down to press kisses on the column of my throat. My dress is hitched up from the stretch of my legs straddling him, and I can feel the wool texture of his pants through my thin thong. I hope I don’t leave a stain on his crotch but my panties are damp already.

There’s a knock on thw window right next to my ear and I flinch a little at the figure who’s standing right outside. A second wave of shock goes through me when I register he’s dressed in a police uniform. _Fuuuck._

Ben clears his throat and sits up in the diver seat, reaching over to lower the window.

“Good afternoon, officer.” He says casually, like he doesn’t have a girl straddling his lap and the officer didn’t just catch us making out.

“License and registration, please.” The policeman says with a sour look on his face. Ben puts his hands on my hips and _lifts me_ back into the passenger seat, dipping in to nip at my arm when he opens the glove compartment to pull out the papers.

“Could I take a look at your ID too, Miss?” The officer says. I unzip the front pocket on my backpack and hand him my school ID sheepishly, once again feeling like a child. “Sit tight for a minute, I’m going to go run this.”

The officer walks back to duck into his car. Ben tuns his head and spits out the window. “Fucking pigs.” He says and inhales, running his hand though his thick waves of ebony.

I make a little distressed noise, scared that the cop would hear him, but somehow more scared of Ben. What if he says something like that when the policeman comes back? Ben could easily take him in a fight, some cave-woman part of my hind brain purrs at that, but the officer could send him to jail for just being rude.

“Checks out. We’re been getting complaints of people coming up here smoking marijuana, you two wouldn’t know anything about that now?” The cop says as he comes back and gives Ben out documents back. Uh-oh. Please tell me Ben didn’t bring weed today.

“We’re just enjoying the view, officer.” Ben says with one hand on the steering wheel, the other gesturing to the outline of the city. The officer snickers, slapping a hand on Ben’s shoulder.

“I bet you were.” He says with a severe smile, winking at Ben. _Ew?_ “Why don’t you bring this young lady home and we’ll call it a day.”

“Sure thing, officer.” Ben says with a dangerous smile, eyes blazing with fury. The cop steps away with a nod, watching us from outside his car as Ben backs up and starts driving down the trail.

“He was fucking gross.” I say, throwing a last glance at the uniform through the back window.

“ _Fucking_ pig.” He swears and I snap my head to his face when I hear his hateful tone. He’s breathing hard, knuckles turning white gripping the steering wheel. Ben’s _maaad_.

“It’s okay, we can just go somewhere else.” I say and reach out to rubs his arm. Ben exhales at this, throwing his head back into the head rest, face softening but still glowering at the road.

“We could go back to my place.” He says, voice still a little tense. I blink back. _Yes_ , is my immediate reaction, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea. What if I agree and he thinks that means I want to have sex. I do want to have sex with him, but not right now. I shouldn’t get stranded in a strange apartment with someone I barely know. I’m sure Ben wouldn’t ever try to force anything on me but still…

“I…”

“Or I can take you home, if you want that.” He says in a short tone, irritation bleeding through. _Fuck no_ , I don’t want to go home.

“No, I want to!” I answer hurriedly. ”I just…” He glances over at me with a raised eyebrow, jaw muscles tensing and relaxing. “We're not having sex.” I blurt finally and his face softens.

“That’s not what I – I didn’t expect us to, I don’t expect that—“

“Okay good!” I cut him off and stare out my window as my cheeks flush with blood. God, why do I have to be such a freak?

+++

  
  
Ben’s place is really nice. It’s on the top floor of one of the top productions fifteen minutes from his campus. It’s almost as big as Unkar’s apartment.  
  
The door opens into the big open kitchen and living area. He makes me take off my shoes and I pad past the island into the space between the comfy looking sofa and the big flat screen.

“Wow, this is so nice!” I say, trying to soak in every little detail. The walls are tan and the furniture is furbished in soft, warm colors. There are some trinkets here and there but no pictures or personal items. He comes up closer and leans down to pick up something from the coffee table and lights starts flooding into the room.

I gasp at the sight revealed by the sliding blinds, a small terrace runs along the length of the living room, a grill and a round table with two chairs shoved into opposite corners.

“Wanna check it out?” He says, leaning over me and unlocking the door. I go out alone, Ben fiddles with his phone. I cross the narrow terrace in two steps, grabbing onto the railing when a spell of vertigo makes me dizzy. Music starts playing in the living room and Ben comes out to join me with a small smile on his lips.

“Do you like it?” He says as he puts an arm each around me, trapping me between his chest and the balcony railing.

“I love it.” I say and admire the view once again. You can see the ocean all the way from here.

“I’m glad you like it.” He whispers in my ear, low and rumbling. I lean back into his and he kisses the top of my head, arms coming to wrap around my waist. His hands travel up the side of my ribs to palm each breast over my dress and he lets out a small sigh. “Let’s go inside.” He whispers this time.

I’m pulled onto his lap after he sinks down on the sofa. He wastes no time and I barely have the brain capacity to kiss him back before his tongue is darting out over my lip, asking for entrance. He groans when I open up and slide my tongue over his, grinding against me a little. His fingers dig into my hipbones and I whine when he squeezes. I move them down to my ass and he huffs a laugh.

“You like that?” He rasps and grabs each cheek really hard, slightly pulling them apart from each other. A wet sound cuts through our labored breathing, the music, everything. Ben pauses and I could die.

“Are you wet?” He says with a smirk, eyes hooded. My face burns.

“…Yes” I breathe and he groans, his hips lifting up to grind his erection against my core.

“Fuck baby, I want to touch you so bad. Can I touch you? Please?” The begging tone in his deep voice leaves me absolutely speechless and all I can manage is a nod. He pulls my dress up over my hips and strokes his thumb over my thong, instantly finding the little bundle of nerves though the lacey fabric.

I bury my face in hair, it’s too much to look at his wrecked face and feel him circle my clit in just the right way. He makes a growling sound that rumbles through his chest when I moan into his ear and pushes me back so I’m facing him once again. In a swift motion my panties are pulled aside and my most intimate parts are exposed to the cold air, to him.

“ _Fuuuck_ , you’re so pretty baby.” He praises and his thumb finds the spot and the direct contact of skin on mine is almost too much. I can’t help my hips beginning to move in tandem with his ministrations, the familiar pleasure building quickly low in my abdomen.

Suddenly I’m thrown to the side, and I’m blinking up at the ceiling. Ben spreads my legs wide open and positions himself between them. For a second I think he’s going to unzip his pants and fuck me but he sucks his middle finger into his mouth and removes it with a pop.

I gasp as he slides it into me; easily passing the thin membrane that makes it uncomfortable for me to finger myself. It feels good when he drags his thick finger out of me and pushes it back in with surprising speed. I whine uncontrollably and get up on my elbows to watch his finger slide in and out of me; with a few rough pulls he gets the top of my dress down to free my breasts and leans down over me to bite and suck on my nipples.

My whines turn to earnest moans at the overstimulation, and I feel my muscles flutter and squeeze around his finger. Right before what feels like a different kind of peak he eases another finger into me and my eyes widen at the stretch. I’ve been fingered once before, but not with two, and two of Ben’s fingers are more than thick.

I make a high pitched sound as he picks up speed, quickly nearing orgasm as my pussy starts making a squelching sound around his fingers. I shoot up, hindered by the arms of my dress that he also tugged and grab his wrist to make him stop.

“What? Did I hurt you?” He asks in a breathy voice, looking down at me with eyebrows furrowed in worry. I shake my head and he slowly starts moving his fingers again, the sound coming back again. I fight the delicious feeling of his fingers inside of me and press my lips together in a thin line, pressing on his wrist to make him stop again. He looks up at me with a quizzical tint to his eyebrow this time and waits for me to speak.

“The sound!” I croak out and his face softens.

“What sound?” He says with a smug smile and flexes his fingers against my front wall, the making the debauched wet noise from my pussy and I try to push him out of me. “I like it baby, don’t be embarrassed. It just means you like it too. Don’t you?” He asks ever so slightly beginning to move in and out again.

I nod and relax a bit, getting close to coming again in a manner of minutes before he picks up speed and the squelching sound comes back. My hands shoot down to make him stop a third time but this time he catches both of my wrists in his other hand, pressing them down into my stomach to keep me from squirming away.

“Come for me, baby. I want you to come on my fingers. Come.” The rough treatment of holding me down, combined with his dirty command and fat fingers filling me up make me instantly obey his order. I clench down on his fingers hard when he finally pushes me over the edge with a high pitched moan.

He gives me a hard kiss, tongue roughly wrestling mine for dominance as I whimper at the loss of his fingers. He helps me sit up and gathering me to his side cooing compliments into my hair as I ride out the blissful after-waves from coming. I nuzzle into his side, wrapping my arm around his waist and yawning.

“You did so good, baby. My good girl.” He says and presses a kiss on my temple.


End file.
